The Memorial Service & The Dilemma

Last nite, my family held a year memorial service for my late dad...

It's just feel like yesterday that he was still here with us. I really miss him alot. I didn't get to say anything to him the night before he left us. I remembered it clearly that he doesn't feel like talking to me that night. Maybe it was difficult for him. And he knew how much harder to leave listening to my voice. My dad, the man I knew, was a very silent type of person. He don't normally talk about his feelings or talks to me directly if he have any uncertainty. He would just prefer talking to my mum. After he left us, there were some things in my heart that kept me feeling guilty until now. The things that I knew hurt & disappoints him.

How could I ever forgive myself? I still blame myself for not being around my family, when I'm far away here in KL. Leaving my mum alone in KK. And my bro. I love my family. So so much. But somehow, I'm still torn between staying in KL or KK.

It's not that my life is so bad in KL. I have a good, struggled life there. Where as in KK, I know I could cut half of my burden in KL.

I can live with my struggle to live in KL. I can live in KK leaving my so called fantastic life in KL. I know I can be happy to wherever I be. As long as I know how & learn to survive.

I don't feel burden that much anymore. When I'm in KL, I have so many wonderful & fantastic friends that have loved me & guide me to be strong, to be focus on my goals & support me thru thick & thin.

When I'm in KK, I know I'm stronger with my family around me & I will be fine. But why am I feeling like I'm finding reasons to stay in KL?

Aaarggh! How I wish I could find the answer. I promise my mum & my family, this is my last year in KL. But why am I not happy?

Daddy, if you could hear me. Give me some sign to what I should do. Should I choose my decision for my family? Or for myself?


Finding answers