A Friend That I Never Had...

*This entry I kept for abt a month or so...dunno why I didn't put it...maybe there's a reason..but now...here it is*

Away from my comfort place...

During merdeka weekend, I spend few days with a friend of mine at her hometown...Actually I never went to any of my other friend's hometown before coz I know ppl will see and thought that I'm not comfortable...hehe...I'm not a type that can easily can get comfortable and easy with ppl... I am a very shy person to start with, so a long 'ice breaking' session needed...

Anyway, back to my friend, we arrive at her house in SP around sunday 4am, greeted by her loving parents and her siblings.. Just in time for sahur but I was so tired and thought that I was dreaming... I continued my sleep til around 9 am...

I went to pasartani nearby SP river with her... The way they talk, the accent, the culture, the village, the ppl...all quite different...makes me numb for a while there...but it's all good! I feel happy to get the opportunity to learn and see other ppl's culture..Her family quite big... 7 of them, one of them unable to come back for holidays so there they are...6 of them.. I think if I'm in that family... I will get headache constantly haha! I feel difficult to concentrate to any of them...not easy to remember their name even... Short memory ler... But I'm honoured to be able to get to know her family and to know her as a friend better...

This friend of mine whom I barely know yet, is a great person to hang around with, she helped me a lot to re-focus my life purpose and to enjoy the happy wonderful life I abandoned..Spending weekend at her hometown with her is amazing cos it's different as I never really been and stay at any of my friend's house with their family around...It's like seeing ur friend's life on her other side...I got to see her cook! *jarang2 can see..hehe...enjoy & loved her ikan pekasam (my new fav food)...and have berbuka puasa with her family...simply amazing...

I known this friend from a social place called the gym...
And lately getting to know her bit by bit...
We became good friends... *my part lah*

I admire her will and determination, I admire her spirit which I know I can never have that kind of thinking and strong will, She 'showed' me in some way things I can find to make myself feel better, She guides me in a way telling me that life is difficult and challenging and we've gotta be strong...

I know that even how strong we are, everyone have their vulnerable times, so does my friend...but most of d time I saw her always fine...

She never knows what difficulty I've been thru, can't really see what I have done in my past life..But nonetheless, her small gesture and some nagging to me in advicing how I should behave,
how I should learn and lead my life, makes me realize I must learn the hard way to forward my life...

But I think I have damaged my life so much to the extend I realise I have 'close' my life til I focus my eyes to one part of complicating thing only...and being comfortable in worst situation...

This friend of mine have teach me things what matured person would act...
Search and do things that I love,
Improve myself professionally, emotionally, physically, mentally and financially...
Lots of things I have to improve myself,
Somehow I hope it's easy thing to do,
Deep inside my heart,
I felt that with her existence,
I had a guidance,
I had a force within,

I sometimes felt that I had a friend who really boost me,
It's not abt anyone, Cilla...!
Now, it's about you...
That's what she said...

Sometimes I cry when she asks me if I'm ok or not...
Her kind thoughts of emails and smses...
Even this entry makes tears rolling down my cheek,Coz now I feel someone cares for me...

A friend that cares for me,

And somehow I want to be taken care of instead of me being strong all the time,
Who understand and able to see that I have my own needs...I dunno how sincere she care for me but...
But I recall her words very well...* ;)

Whatever it is, I felt so much better and happier to realize that she cares and help me on my lowliest point in my life...

And whatever it is, whether she thinks that I'm a good friend to her or not...
What matters the most is,

She had simply touch my life...
She make an impact...
She guide me alot...
She was there when I need someone to lift me up...

Even by saying nothing...
She had help me...
I do hope this friendship lasts long...coz this friendship built with trust, honesty, freedom and she's a friend who really knows how to cheer up her friends...

Just like a real friend that I never had... ;-)


*This post is for you, friend...thanks for everything... luv ya... muaaaahhh ;D*

It was the best Merdeka Weekend I have ever enjoyed*

Touched by A Friend,
Cilla

Being Weak...

A friend told me that I am so weak, and that I need someone in my life, to take care of me...well, that's maybe just every lady's 'weaknesses' right? I admit it & to that friend...I never judge any of ur 'advices' coz I think a true friend can just say anything to u though it hurts...and I wanted that!

Coz I don't think that I need someone at the moment, but last nite b4 going 2 bed, I cried thinking what my friend said to me...I realise that some part me wanting that...and some part of me just afraid of getting hurt again...

Weak by needing someone in our life and weak by an act of foolishness is two different thing...I am weak coz I want someone in my life...

Being weak by letting people hurt u physically,mentally and emotionally is just bad...so I'm looking forward in accepting my life the way it supposed to be...

And by that, I hope there's not anymore drama that fascinates ppl created...


Less Weak

I'm Starting To Love My Life...

There are no exact reason actually...I'm starting to love my life when I realised that someone out there do think of me, remember me...and I never know that...just suddenly... :)

I feel great...coz I thought I am not important... but to them, I actually meaningful enough for them to remember me... I like that feeling...It made my day really...

I'm starting to feel happy again...

I got old friends around me, new friends here with me and my families all missing me...aawww...what a life I'd say! Just when I thought I was alone, there they are...offering all kinds of love, hugs and kisses and their constant care and guidance were there for me...

I'm loving this...! Really am...

After last 2 weeks I have a very bad times...this really help me to pick myself up...I like it! Love it! Enjoying it!
Won't let myself drown again... :)


Loving Life!

High School Memories...

A friend of mine from high school said to me, " Bad Memories can't be easily recalled"...was it?

I think I did in the past neglected my high school friends whom nothing but being great friends to me...They were the ones never fails to put a smile on my face and laugh my ass off coz of their actions and jokes...they really all a BOMB!! Fantastic friends...! No point of regretting things I did that push them afar from me...I just want to make it up to them... again...

I really miss them alot..! Seeing them still attached to each other and still hangout together, makes me sometimes jealous coz they share everything together and never have negativity between them...how nice it would be if my life be that way....

From now on, I would learn to love them again...my old friends...I never thought they'd still remember me...I assume they never thought of me...but I was wrong... they did remember...and I will start to 'join' them again..remininscing our times together last time...Miss you guys really2 deeply... :)


Old Skool

Live Free!

Abit of emo there yesterday night...dunno what happen there...

But today I woke up early morning feeling rather...TERRIFIC...!! I had a deep conversation with one of my Krazey cousin whom always know what she wants to do in her life...yes she is the Kraziest one among us all, coz she's a risk taker, she's blunt, she's very extraodinary person, a good listener, and she's one of my closest 'friend' too...she's brilliant in giving motivation *just what I really needed right now*...one thing about her is...she's Bitch...haha! She won't deny that too...!! Kan? Kan? Kan? But a good bitch...*ada kah statement camtu*

Well...she gave a very great piece of advice..."Live by your rules, Live by your own principle (if you don't have any, make one that's easy to do), Live free and Live your life with No Regrets...Do things that you enjoy, you can be happy and don't let anybody who is giving you a hard time Knocks You Down...! When your friend have problems, you be there for them to listen and advice, if they don't want to listen or even care, back off, and do your own thing..."

One thing that she said to me was so true..." Cilla, friend..even your best friend will never listen to your advices and they don't need you when they are happy, in love, or just being successful than you...friends only need their friends to be there when they are down...remember that!" So, I was stunt by that but it's true...! Everyone is looking & searching for things that they want in life...own thing...

My cousin knows my current situatioin is different, it is gonna be hard to change...but she said take things easy, before you know it, things already changed...You just have to be more selfish and confident in yourself...

Well, I once were that type...strong, never ashame, always perasan (huhu) and always know how to control my own situation...and no one can let me down...but because of living for a long time with things that always problem...hmm...I changed and I didnt realise that I was getting myself weaker and weaker everyday...

My cousin's advices were true and always kick it the right way...maybe coz she have the same situation like me so she knows how hard and difficult to be in the situation...

So...can I face this? can I do this? can I really do this? Well..my 'burning' determination can be there and suddenly not there, just like Chipsmore...

Live Free and Live My Life With No Regrets...yes I will not regret to have wasted my life...but appreciate that I realise this sooner than later...I can fix this...I will do this...it's hard but...it's kinda exciting too...!

Change the colors of my world....change my attitude towards life...change my views...live with a principle... *can't think of any yet but, I will look for one*



Better Person

Finding Reason...

This entry would be an emotional one for me...my notebook qwerty keyboard is quite wet from the running tears on my fingers...

Yes...it's a rainy season lately here in my room...
I dunno why I can't stop thinking about whole this thing...
I'm finding reason...
Reason for what I feel today...
Why am I feeling this way?

Every night b4 I go to sleep, I'll cry...my pillows were mostly damp by the tears shed...but cooling... and I like it...

Dunno why...still find reason for this...
Cannot write pulakk coz eyes too watery can't see my hands typing what...hehe...

But I really missed that person alot...I mean it...
Sometimes it's not easy to simply accept things...I really miss you...



Missing

Wake Me Up When September Ends...

I am quite bored with my life right now...but really hecticly busy with my work...ni lah happen if ada festive season and malays dominan in my company....semua org cuti...me terpaksa keja...tapi...tidak apa...positive attitude...*tunggu masa time saya Christmas hehehe*...

Anyway, I'm so in the mood to write today after a long agonizing day in the office...kesian my admin...satu org ja buat keja for 4 ppl...sedey...tapi mau buat camna kan...? Hehehe...Saya pun macam tu...Buat keja for 3 person lah konon...hehe...actually not really...lepas keja bagi org junior apa salahnya kan? Huhuhu... jahat kah? No lah...let them learn mah kan? Hihihi....*grin*

Mmm...in the mood to write but dunno what to write...camna tu?

My mood is quite good today...though like always...ada ja benda remeh temeh bole spoilkan my mood? But I'll be fine...mcm abit relax and calm pun ada...maybe coz I found something to ease me...yes definitely...

Okay...I think I know what to write...after I saw my title for this post *saja2 tulis title camtu* but I think I know why I write that title...

I don't like this year September 2009...banyak lah benda berlaku, if I mentioned one by one, nanti org ckp draggy, dramedy atau zzzZZZZzzzz.....hehehee...I think my previous2 post pun ada cerita kan? But one particular thing that I really hate about September 2009 was...it was supposed to be MY month...coz it's the month that I was born 28 years ago...yup3...my mum said, when she was carrying me, she likes to go to Indian Restaurant or Mamak...bcoz she was always somehow 'driven' by the smell of Curry...Whenever passing by an Indian restaurant, mesti dia stop and mau makan... so...makan Roti Canai and Curry almost every week...my mum also recalled my late Uncle Tony once said jokingly to my mum, "Tidak hairan lah if anak ko keluar nanti mesti kulit dia hitam and banyak bulu mcm org india...hahaha!"....I hate it...kenapa lah my late uncle ckp tu came true...? My mum ckp lagi..."Ko juga yg mau makan...mum terpaksa makan lah for u, if not mummy cannot even telan benda lain...ndak sah kalau tidak pigi kedai India..."....Betul juga my mum punya cakap...tapi...kenapa lah saya tidak teringin makan western food kah, peranakan food kah apa...at least...keluar2 dari perut my mum, terkeluar muka ala Maya Karin kan? kan? kan? Macam org mix lah bah kan...sudah banyak keturunan mix pun teda guna...

Oh ya...I am mixed blood bah actually, my mum side is keturunan Ceylonese Murut (Ceylonese is Sri Lankan blood ler) from my late grandmother...my mum also said my late grandfather Kadazan but mungkin ada darah Phillipines...they don't know for sure...hmmm..

anyway my father side, Dusun asli lah org cakap, my late grandfather from Sandakan and my late grandmother from an ulu place, high on top of the hills, sacred place named Tirian and Buaian...some myth says that the place is so deserted and they are still ppl/my relatives living there in a very old way of living/kuno la...I would love to go there one day but they said the place is so far u have to walk by foot for at least 5 hours coz it's so deep in the jungle...eeee excited saya mau pigi...hehehe...adventure..! My father was told by his late mother that her bloodline have Japanese blood...*zaman perang lah bah..kahwin org jepun hehe*

Banyak2 mix saya...tapi keluar kulit hitam, gemuk, pendek, cute *ini mesti*...but my bro, hensem, putih, tinggi, kurus...aduiii.... ndak bersyukur lah org bilang... hahaha... mmm...but I am proud to be a daughter of a very loving mum and dad...

Panjang pula cerita pasal bloodline saya...heheh...okay...September 10 was my birthday...but my mum suffered almost 1 day before she delivered me..she was in labor pain since night on 9 Sept *water bag broke*...and delivered me safely only around 6pm on the 10 Sept...my mum suffer the pain so long...saya pun takut dengar... heheh...my mum is a very strong individual...and for me she's my perfect supermum...!

Well, alot of things happened b4 and after my birthday this year...let me tell one of the saddest one...my bro, was giving me a suprise birthday gift for me...I didn't know that he actually bought me a handphone and couriered the phone to me...I was shocked to know...but to make long story short, my bro just on his bad luck I think, the phone was 'suprisingly' not in the shipping during courier...and my mum currently investigating about it...and my bro, who was really crushed, saddened by this....I know his gesture was pure, honest, and loving...I was moved by the way he wants to suprise me... I am sad because he uses alot of money to buy me that phone...quite expensive...but my mum determined somehow to look for the culprit as she believe someone in the courier service is doing something 'fishy'...well, truth prevails... we'll see..

But for me; mum, dad and bro ; u guys are my gift in nature already... a great gift from God... more than enough for me... ;)

And that phone was the only gift that really make me happy...but...now...It won't be happening...but at least I know my bro really cared about me, he was saying to me the other day..." Bah, bukan ko kah yg ajar saya...? Simpan duit, bagi mummy and daddy duit, cari gf kaya *mesti! so that my bro no need to spoil her hehe*...and duit lain2 belanja...itu lah yg saya buat"...he listen to my advice...although he was more like a big brother to me, coz saya yg selalu mau manja sama dia...hahahah...kan? ;)

Anyway, thats the real reason why I want to 'wake up' when September ends...coz this year's September is a nightmare for me...

But what I know for sure in any month or year....forever...I will always love my parents and my younger brother first in my life.... Love u guys and missing u guys so so much.... Muuuaaaahhhh.... ;)



A daughter to my loving parents and a big sis to my handsome bro.... ;)

'Old' New addiction...

I found my long lost addiction 2 years back today...

Maybe this is what I needed afterall...a perfect companion for me...
Never fail me...finally I open my eyes again...
I want to be bad...bad girl...this is me... I always have been a bad girl last time...
Why did I stop? Oh yes...someone stopped me being the real person I wanted to be...my reputation gone last time...but now I'm back!! You said I stop u from doing things that u want?!
Teeetttt!!!! Wrong!!!! *think again...or let me remind you!*

I am going to feel better than ever...
And now it feels great, I can keep myself busy & enjoy calmness with it at the same time...
Nothing extraodinary about this...yes...damaging my life entirely would be it...so what?! Who cares?!
I am in control of my life now! And I feel good again...peaceful...whatever...!



Perfect 'Gateaway'

Only God Knows...

My mind were everywhere for these whole month...since early September until now, lots of undeniably hurtful & memorable things happened...

Have been thinking about the thing happen with my bro...I wanted to be there for him, to tell him it's ok...I did managed to talk to him about it, on the phone, he was so angry until got sick I guess...I know what he did was only to make me happy instead all these we never expect to happened makes him felt guilty and he didn't want to talk to me about it...I smsed him, ignored. I called him, he didn't pick, with excuse, busy. I know he didn't want to say anything to me, but, I wanted to know that he's ok...Things happen, shits happen... it's all gonna be alrite...I hope he will heal on time...

Not enough with my bro's prob, I too have my own prob here in KL, I am currently back and forth on the moving on thingy process, spoken to my mum the other day about my dreams, and I conclude that, I cannot be selfish, I have to be fair for my parents, it's been 8 yrs since I stepped out of the house and I know how much they wanted me to go back to KK permanently...& it's not fair for them if I decide to go more far away from them....maybe I'll decide about taking part time study...will try out to start over in KK only...


After reaching my age, 28, deciding to do this is simply weird but, I wanted to do something else...I wanted to try out new things, or maybe I will request for transfer from my current work...hmm...

I know that I have perfect happiness with my family, they were the only reason for me to go on... I can rely on them... I don't feel any happiness here...where I am now...it's quite frustrating...I try to think about what makes me happy here...all I can think of...my work? my achievement? my promotion? But it didn't keep me burning! I think living in KL makes my life felt so lonely, alone and miserable...with my constant problem here which never had any solution ever...and I'm getting tired of it...

I have been thinking lately about all of things that I need to start focusing on, maybe for a start, will focusing my workload which have really really doubled up since my so called 'level up'...to show them what I got, then may start to focus on my health/fitness...I really want to this before going back end of the year to KK...

I did promised my family that I will be back to KK permanently next year...so I'm gonna kept my promise... I am sad though...coz it's not easy to leave my KL life...but I can always come to KL for holidays...will kept myself positive about this 'migrating' process...

My parents, cousins, high school friends and family have made lots of plans/activities with me so tight schedule for that almost 3 weeks leave...can't wait for that!! Really looking forward for it! They definitely make me feel so blessed to have them in my life, their neverending love & care...always there...

Despite all this, I have my own neverending story here...even this moment, I felt terrible...argument happen everyday and almost every hour...and for one last time...God, really, I got fed up, I can't even show any face expression...when will this misery end? WHEN??!! I can feel my head really wanted to explode! I feel my life filled with 'tiny2' bits of needles that keep on injecting poison to my brain and tell me to 'Go!'...Free yourself!
Sometimes I feel someone just please took the gun and put it on my head and get it over with...blame it to others...! Whenever bad things happened to you...

I wanted to keep myself busy with other things...so that I won't remember all the hurtful things that I have been thru...friend's accusations...whenever a friend's life doesn't seems to be the way they wanted, why put the blame on someone....especially to the alot of things that happened lately...

The most hurtful thing that someone could make your heart teared apart was when the people you really care most...hurt you with things they said, things they did, and funny thing is...they don't seem to care about my feelings anymore...Was it worth it?? Funny really...but I can't laugh...just cried...and cried more...till there no more tears to shed...This is just pure sadness I felt...This feeling will always follow me everyday...every minute, every hour, every moment of my life until I go back...

Whenever I feel this way, I only can turn to God...I felt so alone...I can't share with others...can't share this with my family...don't want them to worry...share it with friends? Who? All are just 'back stabbers'...pretend that they care...but one person never let me down...is when I only turn to God for strength...just a little bit of strength is enough for me...to carry on...hopefully God's help was enough...

And only God Knows what I have been through during this Raya season...I'm not a muslim, but since Ramadhan til Raya...most of the time, I was tested with lots of things...will not say much about this but I hope God will guide me to have more patience, faith and believe that I will have enough strength to face my few months here in KL before I heading back to KK... will need to start preparing my list of things to do, things to let go and things to be kept...

Moving forward? Yes...I will be moving forward by moving back...to where my heart truly belongs...and where my feeling truly be at ease...start over...

A New Life...And Only God Knows...

I missed my hometown so much right now, I wanted to feel the mood of Raya in Grandma Sarah in Likas...I really miss Aunty Nally's Raya Celeb in Ganang too...I missed those times... so much...I miss my cousins never failed to crack me when I'm down...miss my bro...miss my mum and dad the most...and I miss everyone @ home...especially this holiday season...thank you for calling / smsing me...you guys never forget me alone in KL ...huhuhu... Luv you guys...!

This is a mix emotions entry from me...coz this is what I am really suffering into...Mixed feeling...

Moving Back

Can I Really Be Happy?

My Life is not d way that I wanted it to be right now... Why? I really can't say... My life had remarkably changed this couple of months...Ever since I had a taste of how socialising is, my life seems to have full of surprises, conflicts, dilemma, fun & suffer all at one time...I hate socializing to be honest..I don't like mix around with people, quite a loner myself and just love to hang out with my old friends and loving family...where my heart really feel at ease....

Socializing to common ppl is a common thing...purpose? Networking? Friendship?Love Maybe?

But after a while, I find it rather difficult, when u have a big group of different colors and characters of ppl hanging with you, automatically u will find urself 'faking' & u become someone else rather than just being true to urself...it's true and honest fact, to please these group of ppl, we intend and try impress them, in a way hoping that they accept us in their group...this is reality, no doubt abt it, if ppl deny this statement, u r in denial...we can't be ourselves in front of ppl that we barely knew or just started to hangout with, off course at certain degree we hide our 'weaknesses' and just entertain them with our best 'shot'...! And the truth is, by doing that, I realise I did not feel any happiness at all! In fact, it really bugs me and disturb my life! My way of thinking...!

U have to control certain level of fun, behaviour, ethic, morale & trusting these ppl around you...and at the end, what do we get from all these two faces creatures? Heartache, hatred, envy, jealousy, friends hurtful accusations, war? And somehow, u end up hurting ur own self...

I kinda hate all the dumb, stupid & ridiculous things that happened...
I had become a constant victim for all things...
Great things become the Worst thing...
Lost & Found of A Friendship,
In & Out of love,
Dramas...dramas...dramas...
The bitter & sweet of words of friends...

I wanted out from all these,

Why can't I lead a normal life again? The normal life before all these began...I wanted that life!

I feel like I wanted to be alone and enjoy my own quality time with ppl who won't make my heartburn...

With no one burdens me with sickening tough behaviour,

Juz to be at ease...For all those thing that happened, it can be a blessing in disguise I guess...

And most of the ppl who knows me inside out...
They will know how much I hate all this mess and they know what I'm talking abt here...

Can we just Live in Peace or do we have to wait for 'Rest in Peace' to come in order to feel true calmness?


I need a break

You're Not Here For Awhile...

Somehow I do thought of you,
At times I daydream about you,
You were sweet,
You were loving.

I think you're someone else's,
Don't wanna push it too far,
I just wanna enjoy that moment,
Before it fades & become war.

Why do I have this feeling?
Searching for you,
Everytime I wanna say your name,
My feeling grew fond of you,

Butterfly kisses were gentle,
Gentle as your kindness,
Dwells in me, my heart,
But don't believe it, forever.

Now you're not here,
For awhile,
But the thought of you, thinking of me,
Have made clear, you'll be standing near.

Forgive me for this feeling...


Love?

What More Could I Ask For? A Very Special & Most Memorable Birthday Indeed…

I have a nice and fantastic dinner with a group of friends today…an occasion to celebrate…my belated bday…

They bring me to Shogun, a Japanese buffet restaurant which serves thousands of dishes to choose from, so many varieties and I think this is the first time I saw Japanese largest buffet area ever created…seriously I say, it was large & I ate a lot…coz I think it’s been a long time since my last big dinner… hohoho… I will definitely wanna go there again!

Anyhow, I was greeted, we talked for a bit, then off I go to venture for food. Suddenly there is one friend that I have been ‘missing’ so much approached me & wish me Happy Birthday, after quite a while since I last saw her…felt awkard though… but all good!

Eating session was definitely a ‘Quiet & Alone’ moment for me. esp when I am damn hungry, I rather not talk so much coz I want to enjoy my food…haha! That’s me…when foods are on the table…! Nobody can ‘touch’ me hehehe…

After food, then quiet moment again, suddenly one of my dear friend goes off probably venturing for food…I was busy sms-ing, she came back, brought one Baskin Robbin paper bag & took out a slice of Baskin Robbin Ice Cream Cake…Wooohoooo!!!! I Lurveeeee It!!! Like It!!! Simply Delicious!!! Simply The Best!!! Not enough touched by that gesture, Happy Birthday Song was played in Shogun & they sang…I was holding my tears with that sweet thought of them doing all the trouble for me… My emotion have been pretty much upside down…I really wasn’t expecting for anything from them…coz dinner with them were enough for me, but the thought of doing all the trouble, Aaaawww…u guys are just too kind…!! So sweeetttt!! * I know people will say I’m over-the-top to put this entry, but this moment has gotta be documented coz the event is just too special, simple, but really make me feel fantastic that I have other friends like this to make me happy…*

The surprise doesn’t end there, after cake session; my friend suddenly gave me a bouquet of flowers (combination of Lilies, Little Stars, Carnation and some other flower which I can’t remember the name)….she knows it was in my ‘Wish List” for my birthday…!

Kewl and just so sweet of her! Well…it’s nothing wrong to get flowers from friend right? It shows that she really cares abt me lah…in a way hehehe… :) And this definitely the first time I get flower from a girl friend…. The flowers were damn beautiful & I love it so much!!! Lilies are my favourite dear…!! Thank you so much…!

Luv ya…! Muuaahhh…
;-)

After food & all the sweet suprises, my friend send me back home and on our way, got some interesting talking session with her…& the night end with satisfaction in my heart and I was able to put a sincere smile on my face, thinking, this was indeed a great night…what more could I ask for? Yeah indeed…I did get what I wished for…
A Gift that I ever wanted…& that matters above all ;)



Friends

You Always Be The Man In My Life....My SoulMate...

I felt guilty since the first time I left you,
I felt even so wrong the last time I leave you,
You have been the constant man in my life,
And you have been nothing but perfect figure for me.

I know it was all wrong,
I know I shouldn’t have said that,
I know I shouldn’t have done that,
Your existence makes me regret the decision that I choose.

I know I can always count on you,
You were my dear, my beloved and my prince,
My shining armor, my friend, my life,
But I was naive & stupid to let it go,

If only I could turn back time,
I know your love burns for eternity for me,
How could we,
We have chose our destiny,

Change is what I need,
Wanting the past for our future is not a solution,
I wanted to be the stronger person here,
But how I wanna do this?

You always said that, “I am Your Angel ”
But how could an angel break your heart,
I have been so selfish to carry this on,
We must stop and put an end to it before we break other people’s heart.

Your voice, your scent, your wisdom, your love,
Have been nothing but strength for me,
Reason for me to find the second best,
In hoping it will end our wrongful journey.



Thinking Of You

Unexpected But Wonderful Feeling…

10 September 2009

Aging…! Urrghh…I’m not gonna talk abt it into deep…

But it was my birthday… And Age is just a number! *ex-friend sms me that*…!

Suprisingly, all ex-group of 7 wishes me…& to be honest, I was touched by that gesture…coz the truth is, I never had any issues with them or anything with them, just that, shits like this happens, and friend stood by their friends right? So, I picked my side…

But I was quite surprised though coz I felt like somehow, we are grown up and matured adults, we just have to accept that whatever & whenever shits happens, we still need to move on and should never look back in anger through our rough experience…coz we can never really move forward if we still cling on to bad experience or remembering old issues…So I decided and choose to be a better & matured adult…and I wished them all the best too…I don’t wish to continue having hard feelings for them *coz I never had any*, and when we are filled with anger, rage and revenge, we can never live peaceful life…so, I decided to be happy…and calm myself too…so ex members, maybe we’ll hangout together again on one sweet day yer…

I didn’t plan or wish that people plan for my party but I have a buka puasa session with my colleagues on my birthday at Medan Ikan Bakar Kg Baru….damn nice! Food delicious! Price reasonable! Buffet some more…! Nice! Nice! Nice!

My colleagues secretly requested for birthday song and I almost teared up, I think I did but managed to telan my emotion though…I missed having buka puasa session with a friend of mine actually…it was a great experience…amazing…hopefully I could patched things up with this friend…our friendship rather mutual for me…

This year, I received few surprisingly nice gifts from my friends…
I got bandanas, earring, purse, necklace, teddy bear and beautiful cards too… Thanks u to everyone…Luv ya so much… Muaaahh!!

But I did request for one particular gift from a friend though…I wonder if this sound weird but…I said to this friend that, and I quote, “ I dun expect any thing or gift from u, I juz want the ‘gift’ of friendship from u”…Why did I say that? Coz I want things to be normal again with this friend…we have been having some rough patch, but I’ll hope it heals for better…coz I seriously dun wanna lose this friendship…so great for me… honestly dear… I meant it…


Gifted

Hate Trips...

I am starting to hate going for trip...especially when we have problems or doubts...

I think I have been to few trips with few of my 'new' friends...it all ended in 'tragedy'...why? Hmm...better not write the story here...but people whom involved in it will know what I am talking about or referring to.... :)

This is not a session for me to give long reason or complains or whatsoever...but I really felt crushed and devastated whenever one trip ends...it also comes together with a package... one friendship ends too...

I dunno why...is it jinx really? For instance, when a couple went for a holiday or trip together...people say it will MAKE or BREAK the relationship...why again??

For me, it's probably due to lack of understanding, lack of confidence, lack of trust, and lack of compromising of each other that breaks the relationship apart...

Same goes to new friendship built...and then there were plans of going of somewhere together and ended up..."breaking" the friendship newly built just like that...why? Lack of all those thing I mentioned...

That same thing happens to me recently...if I knew that it's a jinx following newly found friend for a trip and it end up in 'tragedy'...I am sadden to my heart really...coz somehow I thought it was all great...! I feel great!

But when things doesn't goes well, then...what's left of it...?
It was hatred, anger, rage and ill-feeling towards each other...

I learned my lesson few times, but I give chance to this friend of mine and followed her...but see where it leads me...to my confusion and to my sadness really...I can't bare with it...

I cried and was out of control sadness fills me...!

But with her rather 'comforting' sms to me, it seems that, it's all over...!

And now I conclude that, no more trips for me...! I can't suffer more coz I dun wanna lose anymore friendship...!

Just when u started to know someone well, they start to make a distance coz of some things happen and end it just like that!

What ever it is ur thinking, I hope u understand I still consider u as friend...hope you'll feel that too!! Don't completely ignore me... :)

Tripped

Hero

There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

It's a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt will disappear

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone tear them away
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time, you'll find the way

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you



This song will always meant something for me...hope it will meant something for you too...
God Bless

Rounds of Sickness...

Today... I had a fever in the early morning, my friend gave me some med and help me to sleep coz I have trouble in sleeping esp when I am sick...

But lately, my fever was like on and off...especially night time, my body would feel so cold and after sleep with a blanket, I will feel suddenly warmed up till I sweat...so damn weird...! This has been going on for some time now... since last week...I went to clinic few times already but doctor said it is normal...but probably due to some emotional and physical tiredness...he gave me flu and fever meds...my temperature highest was 38.4C and my BP was 140/90...hmm...why?

Doctor advice me to take my BP pills constantly for the next few weeks and he's monitoring my BP every 2 weeks...maybe after it all came back to normal, I can stop the medicine and change my lifestyle...My doctor had advice me few times already about my weight...he can see some changes but he wanted me to lose weight more...well..I'm working on it..!

But my eating disorder lately causing me trouble...Morning, I forced myself to eat something..eg Chapati or Thosai or Roti Bakar...then when Afternoon came, I don't have any mood to eat at all, not on purpose okay? The other day I forced myself to eat Chicken Rice, I almost throw up on my plate...! And really it is rather making me angry at myself...! I dunno why...I felt like crying when I ate...it's a pyschological thing I guess...Huhu...not sure what's happening to my body but...I only start to feel abit hungry during evening or night time...I can't be sure really why my body seems to reject food in noon time...but I hope things get better...

So I concluded that now, morning I still eat light food to at least give me energy...Noon, I just take 1 glass of Milo O for lunch....no solid food...

And evening, I'll try to eat one meal set but try to avoid rice...

I received few compliments already from my colleagues that they saw me losing my weight...but I hope I can lose more...and see the difference totally..!

Will try to go to classes again starting next week, BJ a must! Step and Attack maybe...and I want to join Pump again...hehehe...been so busy with my projects in the office lately, difficult to go to gym ler... :)

Well, that's all for now I guess...now feeling really hungry but nothing can be cook at home some more...stove problem... so drink only ler...take my med and wanna sleep...

I think I am tempting another sickness coz makan ubat dgn perut kosong.... :)


I am a Sick Person

You Were There...

Time passes,
the world changes
But I'm still the same old' kid
And your jokes still bring me laughter

As if you still were here
And it hurts
When I smile'
Cause my heart still remembers
When you were around'

Cause you were there
When no one was
Just when I thought nobody cared
You showed me love'
Cause you were my friend
You always told me
And I am still here
Because you were there

So precious, small treasures
A time when truth was innocent
True friendship, was all we were after
A place where kids could still be kids
And it hurtsBut I'm glad
'Cause at least I was blessed
To have you as my friend

You're my best friend
There are no accidents
God has a plan for everyone
And he brought you in my life
To show me what a good friendship was

Cause you were there
When no one was
Just when I thought nobody cared
You showed me love'
Cause you were my friend
You always told me
And I am still here
Because you were there


For that special bond we shared

So Far Away...

This is my life,
it's not what it was before
All these feelings
I've shared
And these are my dreams
That I'd never lived before
Somebody shake me
'Cause I, I must be sleepin'

Now that we're here,
it's so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
An' all the mistakes one life contained
They all finally start to go away
An' now that we're here, it's so far away
An' I feel like I can face the day
An' I can't forget that I'm not ashamed
To be the person that I am today

These are my words
That I've never said before
I think I'm doin' okay
And this is the smile
I've never shown before
Somebody shake me'
Cause I, I must be sleeping

An' now that we're here, it's so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
An' all the mistakes one life contained
They all finally start to go away
An' now that we're here, it's so far away
An' I feel like I can face the day
An' I can't forget that I'm not ashamed
To be the person that I am today

I'm so afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Now that we're here, it's so far away

All the struggle we thought was in vain
An' all the mistakes one life contained
They all finally start to go away
An' now that we're here, it's so far away
An' I feel like I can face the day
An' I can't forget that I'm not ashamed
To be the person that I am today

Long Forgotten Ambition...

Last nite, I called up my mum...haven't chit chat with her for quite some time now...I was trying to avoid some of the tense question she will always ask..."bila mau balik kk?"...I know I have been getting pressured by it...and some things here forced me too make the decision to go back KK perm.

But last nite talk with my mum was different...I share with her things that I have been hiding from her to avoid her from thinking that I have problems here...She was so understanding and didn't even saying all the things that making me pissed off but instead, she was advicing me...and treat me like an adult...and for once...did not asked me about moving back to KK...but pursuing my long forgotten hidden ambition...

My mum knows I have been thinking lately in furthering my studies....I honestly feel that I haven't achieve what I really want right now...Working in a bank is like a robot...Robotic works and now since I have been given projects, I do other things but still deep inside me I know I can still go further up...and my work here really bores me...I want to do more...

When I decided to go for Business Degree, my mum was quite hesitate coz my dream and my passion was not Business...it was Architecture...! I love drawings, I love maths and my mum knows that there's my passion truly belongs...but I dunno hehe...during my teenage life...we tend to follow friends and want to study together that sort of things...bla bla bla....now somehow I do regret but...still I'm holding a degree...but I want more from this...

My mum talked to me about furthering my studies...I was thinking like, 'Mum, at this point of my age, do u think it's appropriate...?"...My mum replied, " What ur heart truly wants, that's what you follow..." Yes, I want to follow my heart to further studies, she advice me maybe I can try to take things slow and easy...try again...to follow what my heart really wants...

I always love when my mum is there to understand me...but like any mother would advice their daughters, "Bah, jangan lupa berboyfriend juga lah...nanti talampau tua, teda org mau..."...Hahahahah.... my mum hilarious...! Always know that thing will crack me up...if there's really a man out there destined to be with me...I will find him or he will find me eventually right?

Well, I might look for part time or something to further up this ambition of mine...my mum supported my decision...and she's just simply amazing mum... I love her dearly...

I want to make her happy by seeing me happy...someone told me that...parents will be happy and proud when their children are happy and succesful, and they won't ask for (money) materialistic things in return...they just want whats best for their children...that's true...coz this is where my mum proves it...Love you mum!

Dedicated to my very loving and supporting mum...

The Hardest Thing...

What's the hardest thing that we ever had to do?

We thought that by sacrificing something for someone would help that person to be happy...but it was just the beginning of the worst thing that could happen...

I am tired of all this...I was just started to walk on my own path and suddenly I was dragged again with the mess...again and again and again...am I the one who choose to be this way...? am I really the one to be blame?

How am I going to face this all alone? God, how I wish it was supposed to be easy... when I decide to let go...but it didn't...

Why am I the one who's crying a river in and out...& everyone else is happy?

I wanted to be happy...I guess I have to put an act for ppl to see that I am happy...though my heart is breaking...

I think I loss something valuable for me...and it was the hardest thing...to do...and moved on without it...

Well I have to face this all by myself then...gotta be tough...I remember what she said..."Be what you want to be & Do what u wanna do"... it's all about you, Cilla...

I guess I have to find a Hero from within myself....to pick myself up... and be strong again...


Myself and I...