Have been thinking about the thing happen with my bro...I wanted to be there for him, to tell him it's ok...I did managed to talk to him about it, on the phone, he was so angry until got sick I guess...I know what he did was only to make me happy instead all these we never expect to happened makes him felt guilty and he didn't want to talk to me about it...I smsed him, ignored. I called him, he didn't pick, with excuse, busy. I know he didn't want to say anything to me, but, I wanted to know that he's ok...Things happen, shits happen... it's all gonna be alrite...I hope he will heal on time...
Not enough with my bro's prob, I too have my own prob here in KL, I am currently back and forth on the moving on thingy process, spoken to my mum the other day about my dreams, and I conclude that, I cannot be selfish, I have to be fair for my parents, it's been 8 yrs since I stepped out of the house and I know how much they wanted me to go back to KK permanently...& it's not fair for them if I decide to go more far away from them....maybe I'll decide about taking part time study...will try out to start over in KK only...
After reaching my age, 28, deciding to do this is simply weird but, I wanted to do something else...I wanted to try out new things, or maybe I will request for transfer from my current work...hmm...
I know that I have perfect happiness with my family, they were the only reason for me to go on... I can rely on them... I don't feel any happiness here...where I am now...it's quite frustrating...I try to think about what makes me happy here...all I can think of...my work? my achievement? my promotion? But it didn't keep me burning! I think living in KL makes my life felt so lonely, alone and miserable...with my constant problem here which never had any solution ever...and I'm getting tired of it...
I have been thinking lately about all of things that I need to start focusing on, maybe for a start, will focusing my workload which have really really doubled up since my so called 'level up'...to show them what I got, then may start to focus on my health/fitness...I really want to this before going back end of the year to KK...
I did promised my family that I will be back to KK permanently next year...so I'm gonna kept my promise... I am sad though...coz it's not easy to leave my KL life...but I can always come to KL for holidays...will kept myself positive about this 'migrating' process...
My parents, cousins, high school friends and family have made lots of plans/activities with me so tight schedule for that almost 3 weeks leave...can't wait for that!! Really looking forward for it! They definitely make me feel so blessed to have them in my life, their neverending love & care...always there...
Despite all this, I have my own neverending story here...even this moment, I felt terrible...argument happen everyday and almost every hour...and for one last time...God, really, I got fed up, I can't even show any face expression...when will this misery end? WHEN??!! I can feel my head really wanted to explode! I feel my life filled with 'tiny2' bits of needles that keep on injecting poison to my brain and tell me to 'Go!'...Free yourself!
Sometimes I feel someone just please took the gun and put it on my head and get it over with...blame it to others...! Whenever bad things happened to you...
I wanted to keep myself busy with other things...so that I won't remember all the hurtful things that I have been thru...friend's accusations...whenever a friend's life doesn't seems to be the way they wanted, why put the blame on someone....especially to the alot of things that happened lately...
The most hurtful thing that someone could make your heart teared apart was when the people you really care most...hurt you with things they said, things they did, and funny thing is...they don't seem to care about my feelings anymore...Was it worth it?? Funny really...but I can't laugh...just cried...and cried more...till there no more tears to shed...This is just pure sadness I felt...This feeling will always follow me everyday...every minute, every hour, every moment of my life until I go back...
Whenever I feel this way, I only can turn to God...I felt so alone...I can't share with others...can't share this with my family...don't want them to worry...share it with friends? Who? All are just 'back stabbers'...pretend that they care...but one person never let me down...is when I only turn to God for strength...just a little bit of strength is enough for me...to carry on...hopefully God's help was enough...
And only God Knows what I have been through during this Raya season...I'm not a muslim, but since Ramadhan til Raya...most of the time, I was tested with lots of things...will not say much about this but I hope God will guide me to have more patience, faith and believe that I will have enough strength to face my few months here in KL before I heading back to KK... will need to start preparing my list of things to do, things to let go and things to be kept...
Moving forward? Yes...I will be moving forward by moving back...to where my heart truly belongs...and where my feeling truly be at ease...start over...
A New Life...And Only God Knows...
I missed my hometown so much right now, I wanted to feel the mood of Raya in Grandma Sarah in Likas...I really miss Aunty Nally's Raya Celeb in Ganang too...I missed those times... so much...I miss my cousins never failed to crack me when I'm down...miss my bro...miss my mum and dad the most...and I miss everyone @ home...especially this holiday season...thank you for calling / smsing me...you guys never forget me alone in KL ...huhuhu... Luv you guys...!
This is a mix emotions entry from me...coz this is what I am really suffering into...Mixed feeling...
Moving Back
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