My Immortal

It's the perfect ending for the journey...




MY IMMORTAL

I'm so tired of being here,
suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave,
I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal,
this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal,
this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me, me, me

One Last Cry...

It's been awhile since my last entry. Well, my life wasn't turned out to be as smooth as it should be. Sometimes, we have to accept that, things can end eventually. Like it or not, doesn't matter. It's a question whether we really truly prepare ourselves on the unexpected.

There's a thing that I hold onto that I locked myself. Prisoned. A decade. Not a short time. Yesterday, a certain someone have given me the most powerful 'slap' that I get on my face after all that I have given & sacrifice just for that person. I'm not gonna dish out the entire scenario & the series of unfortunate events that have left me for who I am today. What I saw, what I hear & what I feel sum up my story.

It is a wonderful story abt being a True Friend. Somehow, how I wish God make me a better person to forgive & forget about the suffer, the neglection, the hurt, frustration, anger, dissappointments & most of all, REGRET the things I did believing on true friendship.

You dunno what your friend's agenda until you realise you were just played & fooled & being used for his/her benefit. And when things turns worse & sour, you were told of & their family accused you for being the bad, no manners, disrespectful of the older generation.

I have doubts & questions playing inside my head, asking myself, what went terribly wrong? what have I done to deserve this kind of serious pain? Was I bad? Did I say something awful to people? Have I been offensive with my words? Am I cruel? Everytime I popped all these question, I turned to God & ask for His pardon as I should not dare to demand of Him for answers on all things that I have been thru now..I should feel grateful that He shown me how cruel life can be when you know that you never done anything to hurt people but it seems that everyone judging you from what they see from the outside & don't even to care about the inside emotional ride you been thru & they think that what they did or say was so damn right.

Since I was a litle girl, everyone who knows me, knew that I was this shy & timid girl who needs mummy & daddy deep care & affection & I was among my family & relative were known as the 'weak' one & manja...

All the innocent personality that I have, flashback & runs thru my veins in my head & mind whenever people accused me of being so 'evil' to a certain person. How I wish they knew...

The reason I wrote this is to remind myself, how lucky I am to have the CHOICE to make a difference in my life. I have been blindfolded & stupidly being so naive in helping problematic people & giving them a reason to be happy but yet, it was all backfired to my naked face & I was humiliated.

I want it to be the last. One last cry. Misery. Pain. Anger. No more. Let me be free. You told me that you're missing me. I ask myself, which part? Well, guess what? There's no room for our 'sanctuary' anymore.

I don't believe in true friendship. And I don't believe in you. Anymore. Chances? I used to give you. All the time. But now, there's no room for making mistakes. The room filled with filthy memories, hurt, frustration, anger, vengeance, fear & suffer. Its getting vague. Soon it's gonnabe vanished. And I will stop it. End it. Locked the filthy door. God says, a closed door, opens a window. For a better you & me.





I hold ur hands during the dark times of your life,
I dried all your tears,
Face your fears,
It wasn't once or twice,
You walk thru darkness all your life,
I shown you light of God's grace.
Guide you to gratefulness.

You tainted it so many times,
I lost counts of the betrayal, dishonesty & the freakish things you did,
The many things them who don't know the past,
Them who don't know the current,
Judging from the other side,
I was astonished to disbelieve,

I had to end the misery,
You said I make you,
You told them I scared you,
The twisted stories, your twisted mind,
Only us holds the truth,
Well you know what?

After the darkness & the storm,
somehow you see some other people shown you a better light & promises,
As if I have overcome & took control of your world,

So it be,
I let you walk,
They told me, Let Go...

To separate road,
My path...

I am weak. I cried. I lost. But.

Thank you for the memories & I learn the most important lesson.

Waiting For The End...

When things gone terribly wrong, the thing that you hold up to the most...the things that u have sacrifice almost ur entire believe, time, effort & life...& at the end...you somehow never knew the time would come before you...everything will crash into pieces & break your heart in total shattered, crushed & you realise that you have done EVERYTHING to make it work but HOPELESS...

I guess when I thought what I truly believe can be realise & can come true...I didn't notice the broken pieces of my heart & all the trouble & mess I've gone thru was not up EQUALLY to the things & suffer I face right now...& the damaged was ultimately & clearly have reach above the limit & no good deeds or any other things could fix what have long been broken & healing was not an option anymore but to leave...

I'm 'leaving'...this broken heart will 'leave' & start a new era of her life...it is not easy nor it's simple nor it's great...but at least, I start a new life & I create my own unique history that I would be proud of...& my family will be satisfied...

I have broken my family's heart especially my mum & my late dad...it's never too late to change...I hope & I pray that God will be beside me to go thru it...

"God...guide me..."

Whatever it is, let me see the sign of your silence pardon & strength for me...

I pray

This song hit deeply in my heart & it crushed me as if I'm singing my life off...
Enjoy...

WAITING FOR THE END



This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em

We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear.

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control....

Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go...

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last,
I wish it wasn't so...

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,

I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And i don't even know what kind of things I've said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?
The hardest part of ending Is starting again!!

All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what i haven't got...

This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violet rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em
(Holding on to what i haven't got)

We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear
(Holding on to what i haven't got!)