One Last Cry...

It's been awhile since my last entry. Well, my life wasn't turned out to be as smooth as it should be. Sometimes, we have to accept that, things can end eventually. Like it or not, doesn't matter. It's a question whether we really truly prepare ourselves on the unexpected.

There's a thing that I hold onto that I locked myself. Prisoned. A decade. Not a short time. Yesterday, a certain someone have given me the most powerful 'slap' that I get on my face after all that I have given & sacrifice just for that person. I'm not gonna dish out the entire scenario & the series of unfortunate events that have left me for who I am today. What I saw, what I hear & what I feel sum up my story.

It is a wonderful story abt being a True Friend. Somehow, how I wish God make me a better person to forgive & forget about the suffer, the neglection, the hurt, frustration, anger, dissappointments & most of all, REGRET the things I did believing on true friendship.

You dunno what your friend's agenda until you realise you were just played & fooled & being used for his/her benefit. And when things turns worse & sour, you were told of & their family accused you for being the bad, no manners, disrespectful of the older generation.

I have doubts & questions playing inside my head, asking myself, what went terribly wrong? what have I done to deserve this kind of serious pain? Was I bad? Did I say something awful to people? Have I been offensive with my words? Am I cruel? Everytime I popped all these question, I turned to God & ask for His pardon as I should not dare to demand of Him for answers on all things that I have been thru now..I should feel grateful that He shown me how cruel life can be when you know that you never done anything to hurt people but it seems that everyone judging you from what they see from the outside & don't even to care about the inside emotional ride you been thru & they think that what they did or say was so damn right.

Since I was a litle girl, everyone who knows me, knew that I was this shy & timid girl who needs mummy & daddy deep care & affection & I was among my family & relative were known as the 'weak' one & manja...

All the innocent personality that I have, flashback & runs thru my veins in my head & mind whenever people accused me of being so 'evil' to a certain person. How I wish they knew...

The reason I wrote this is to remind myself, how lucky I am to have the CHOICE to make a difference in my life. I have been blindfolded & stupidly being so naive in helping problematic people & giving them a reason to be happy but yet, it was all backfired to my naked face & I was humiliated.

I want it to be the last. One last cry. Misery. Pain. Anger. No more. Let me be free. You told me that you're missing me. I ask myself, which part? Well, guess what? There's no room for our 'sanctuary' anymore.

I don't believe in true friendship. And I don't believe in you. Anymore. Chances? I used to give you. All the time. But now, there's no room for making mistakes. The room filled with filthy memories, hurt, frustration, anger, vengeance, fear & suffer. Its getting vague. Soon it's gonnabe vanished. And I will stop it. End it. Locked the filthy door. God says, a closed door, opens a window. For a better you & me.





I hold ur hands during the dark times of your life,
I dried all your tears,
Face your fears,
It wasn't once or twice,
You walk thru darkness all your life,
I shown you light of God's grace.
Guide you to gratefulness.

You tainted it so many times,
I lost counts of the betrayal, dishonesty & the freakish things you did,
The many things them who don't know the past,
Them who don't know the current,
Judging from the other side,
I was astonished to disbelieve,

I had to end the misery,
You said I make you,
You told them I scared you,
The twisted stories, your twisted mind,
Only us holds the truth,
Well you know what?

After the darkness & the storm,
somehow you see some other people shown you a better light & promises,
As if I have overcome & took control of your world,

So it be,
I let you walk,
They told me, Let Go...

To separate road,
My path...

I am weak. I cried. I lost. But.

Thank you for the memories & I learn the most important lesson.