Say Goodnight, Not Goodbye...

I have been away all this while for almost 3 weeks...being alone, being away, being different...

My mind felt like it's bursting...! Too much to accept, too much to do, too much to decide...it's all juz too much!! Everything!!
....

Here I'm gonna release what I've been thru...slowly...and this is not easy for me to write...

The night before, 18 March was my colleague, Kak Ajie's bday...everyone & everything was A okay...evening arrives around 8.30pm, I was busy in the office working on the upgrading of cards for our bank's project...I received a rather distress call from my mum saying that she's quite worried abt my dad's deterioriating 'condition'...she had mentioned to me few days b4, that my dad had shown some signs of not feeling well, he started to feel the heavy dizzyness again, rejecting food that he eats or forced by my mum to eat...he doesn't want to talk, the way his eyes & mind blinded in his own world...& he start separated himself from my mum & bro...lots of things & signs that my Dad somehow knew he was about to 'leave' us...when my mum called me up that night, I was a little stressed up with work & all personal things that clouded me, I was abit rude to her...as if they complaining to me was like a burden for me to hear...I have said quite & rather harsh word to her...but my mum still keep on saying that my Dad is not in a good condition...so I told her I promise to flew back to KK earlier than I planned...I requested & forced my mum to pass the phone line to my dad but I heard my Dad on the background rejected my request...I was angered by that act...and I was HURT! Why didn't he wants to talk to me??? I talk with my mum for abit, then hung up...but my mind was raced by my dad's condition & since it was late, a good fren of mine, drive me home...she asked me what's going on with my dad...I told her everything...& somehow she knew what I'm going thru...she gave some words of encouragement...it did help...only for that night...I decided to sleep at my living room instead of the bedroom...I was unable to sleep well that night & all I can think of was my Dad...

Early morning on 19 March 2010 around 6.30am, after taking my bath...I heard my Aunty's hp rang...wow early...but I didn't think of anything bad...I went out from the bathroom & was walking towards the cloth hangers...but I heard Jenny was calling my name...I went to the living room...my Aunty had waken up & look kinda blur...Jenny told me that my bro called, ask to return the call...in my heart...the only thing that was racing was the word 'Dad'...when I called my bro...his first word was...'Cilla, ko relax dulu k? Ko lek dulu...', I deeply inhaled as much oxygen & said to him...' Just tell me...', He slowly informed me... 'Tadi mummy bangun, kami try kasi bangun daddy, tapi, bila kami pegang dia...Daddy sejuk sudah...Daddy tiada sudah...', I went silent...I heard my bro voice trying to say sumthing but I was practically started crying heavily & said loudly...'Why Dad? Why? Kenapa Daddy ndak mau ckp dgn saya semlm???' when I heard my bro was controlling his voice & emotion, trying to calm me...my Aunt went to my side & hugged me tightly...asking me to be strong & calm...all I wanna do that time was to cry & cry & cry...my cousin called me up...asking me just to pack up my stuff & go to KLIA asap...they will settle things about my flight to KK...I didn't think about anything & all I want to do was to go my mum's side...I told mostly all my good frens...about the news that got me...& heads to KLIA...

Got the earliest flight 9.20am...

**Am gonna stop here...writing about this surely gives the memories of everything I been thru...will continue again...when I'm ready...writing this entry makes hot tears rolling down so fast feel like I'm blinded with the tears non-stop falling... **

Daddy,

I love you...
I miss you since you're gone...
You mean the world to me...
I felt lost...

Felt Alone...
Abandoned...

But most of all...
I felt HURT...

If only I knew...

I would hold you in my arms...
I would take the pain away...

There's nothing I wouldn't do...
Just to hear your voice again...
Or look into your eyes...
And see you..
Looking back...

I wanna see you & meet you in my dreams...
But why can't I?

I really miss you & want to see you...
You dunno how much it hurts me when you passed...

I felt something in my heart was taken...
By force...

And I wasn't ready to let go...
I know your memories lives on...

But God,
Give me chance...

To see you...
To tell you things that I should have said long time ago...

I've long for your hugs & kisses...
Tell me that's everything okay...
Tell me everything's fine...

Why do you leave me here all by myself?
Let me see you once again...

Love,
Daddy's Only Little Girl