Being True To One Self Or...Hypocrite...

I have seen in my daily life routine there are lots of ppl out there living in lie...denying their real behaviour & judging other ppl instead...huhuhu...these type of ppl really pissing my heads off really! Short term, being a hypocrite...!

What I really sadden by is that...someone that you trust, have been acting so strange & have treated you coldly as if you have done something wrong...but in front of ppl, shown to me as if everything's normal....weird huh? How could you live with that? Being hypocrite just to satisfy the 'public'...? But the truth is, you don't treat me normally anymore...and I just can't understand why....Ppl say that there's no problem that cannot be solved...But the problem is, I couldn't find 'the problem', how to solve it??? You leave me with a stupid question mark in my head here!

All you think of is how you feel! You just don't care what I feel about you! Or how others have been telling me things that I dun wanna hear about you! Sometimes I wonder, have you ever TRY to understand my position? And will you ever feel my shoes??? Don't you have any empathy at all?

I have been trying to make everyone's life more happier but in fact, I'm suffering inside & this burden my mind off...

I'm happy if you are happy....I am not a SELFISH type of person like you! And I just dunno why I always end up good relations with this troubled, stubborn ppl that really make my mind goes bezerk!

And you know what? I just couldn't care more or care less about how you feel already...You just do anything that suit your best interest...I just dun wanna be bothered by you anymore...

I've done my best...but perhaps my best wasn't good enough for you...Is that how you treat your other friends?

As a friend, I am being true to myself when I say I care for you as a friend & probably you don't like my behaviour now...well, at least I am not a hypocrite...just like how you acted to others or how I can see others being hypocrite to you...

I don't laugh at your saddist life, but I pity you...coz you are good person, it's just that, you don't appreciate good frens in life...great company...

You are just being pathetic!

I'm sorry if you are burning right now with these words I wrote here...I am not perfect, but at least I am keeping my true colors & shine to other ppl...& at the same time, I am happy for who I am...


Hypocrites are politics!

Don't Say You Love Me...

I think I've fallen head over heels for him...I gotta to admit it now...it's not just a normal crush but it is something deeper than that...

I can't stop thinking about him, he's perfect in every way...but I just don't want to do this...arrgghh!!! Stop Cilla! Stop! He's not meant for you...You can't be with him...Face the fact...though he's just super duper sweet & nice to you, it won't go anywhere...Yeah I know, I just want to throw my feelings out...

I heard this song, I feel so down in hearing it...why? Hmmmm...only God knows how I truly feel...I can't explain this feeling already...

**Huuuu....I need my mum advice's in this dilemma...Sure mum will laugh her heads out seeing her daughter like this...huuuu... ** geteks & gedikkss & gatallss... ;-P




Lyrics & Music By: The Corrs, Carole Bayer Sager

I've seen this place a thousand times
I've felt this all before
And every time you call
I've waited there as though you might not call at all

I know this face I'm wearing now
I've seen this in my eyes
And though it feels so great, I'm still afraid
That you'll be leaving anytime

We've done this once and then you closed the door
Don't let me fall again for nothing more

Don't say you love me unless forever
Don't tell me you need me, if you're not gonna stay
Don't give me this feeling, I'll only believe it
Make it real or take it all away

I've caught myself smiling alone
Just thinking of your voice
And dreaming of your touch, is all too much
You know I don't have any choice

Don't say you love me unless forever
Don't tell me you need me, if you're not gonna stay
Don't give me this feeling, I'll only believe it
Make it real or take it all away
Yeah Yeah Yeah

We've done this once and then you closed the door
Don't let me fall again for nothing more

Don't say you love me unless forever
Don't tell me you need me, if you're not gonna stay
Don't give me this feeling, I'll only believe it
Make it real or take it all away

Say you love me
Don't tell me you need me, if you're not gonna stay
Don't give me this feeling, I'll only believe it
Make it real or take it all away
Take it all away, take it all away

The Goal...My Ultimate...

Hmmm....I wonder if I could ever achieve this? Lots of ppl have made a bet to me, they want to see me wearing this...It's always an ultimate challenge which is not easy for me to achieve...urrghh!

I know somehow frens & family wanted to motivate me to lose weight, so they have done & advice me lots of things to push me but seems it doesn't work out coz I myself didn't push myself enough...well it's true everyone said, the drive is in you...yourself...but like, how? Maybe this might help me...

When I look through at these lovely designs, it really make me feel wanting to fit in these lovely dresses...

Hmmm....I hope I don't just dream about it...I want to make it happen...I still have time...hehehe... **escapism?** No...try lah Cilla, make it as a challenge...okay? ;-)

Nice one right here...My ultimate fav! Look elegant & sexy in its on way... ;-)



Below here, this one also captured my eyes...not sure whether this dresses matches my body type coz, it shown here these dresses would look lovely with Apple Shape Body...hmmm...we'll see... ;-)

This watermelon color dress also looks so fabulously gorgeous, sweet & simple strapless dress...look so innocent...*ermm...Not a girl, not yet a woman type lah... hehehe *

This one right here, is more of a graduation type of dress, a girly type of dress...which look so naive, soft kind of person...I'm more of a brutal girl...so this dress may 'femininise' me...& I could embrace my womanhood better lah sort of... hehehehehe... yalah tu... ;-P

As a conclusion, may these dresses motivate me to achieve my target to wear Size 7 dress by November...hmmm seems so far lagi...but..if I don't start early, there will be lots of excuses lah to postpone...so better take baby step to go further... ;-)

29 dresses

Don't Stop Believing...

Don't Stop Believing - Glee

Just a small town girl
livin´ in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin´ anywhere
Just a city boy born and raised in South Detroit
He took the midnight train goin´ anywhere

A singer in a smoky room
The smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the nights
Streetlights people
Living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the nights

Working hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin´ anything to roll the dice
Just one more time

Some will win some will lose
Some are born to sing the blues
And now the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the nights
Streetlights people
Living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the nights

Don´t stop believin
Hold on to that feelin´
Streetlight people
(repeat)

Don´t stop!


I love Glee so much...I enjoyed it more than HSM...& this song somehow uplifting my spirit high in motivating oneself to go far...& believing in urself that's gotta be more to life than what you have now...

So never stop believing...don't give up easily...



Believin'

Suddenly I Remember You...

I heard this song during AJL, I fell in love with this song instantly...it really touch my soul, the music really captured the essence...

"Pergi..." is not an easy word to say but easy to play with...
When we're angry, we tend to say hurtful words to our loved ones, but we never really meant it & we were emotional filled with anger & suddenly we realise, we dun wanna say that...

I want to say this, I'm sorry to say that 'word' to you...I shouldn't have said things I dun mean to say...you know how I really feel dear...always.... ;-)



Pergi - Aizat

Sayu terpisah
hikayat indah kini hanya tinggal sejarah
berhembus angin rindu
begitu nyamannya terhidu wangian kasihmu

hujan lebat mencurah kini
bagaikan tiada henti
kaulah laguku kau irama terindah
tak lagi kudengari

kau pergi.. pergi..
sepi tanpa kata
terdiam dan kaku tak daya kau kulupa
apa pun kata mereka
biarkan kenangan berbunga di ranting usia

hujan lebat mencurah kini
bagaikan tiada henti
kaulah laguku kau irama terindah
tak lagi kudengari

kau pergi.. pergi..

hujan lebat mencurah kini
bagaikan tiada henti
kaulah laguku kau irama terindah
tak lagi kudengari

kau pergi.. pergi..
kau pergi.. pergi..
kau pergi.. pergi..



Dun want you to go

Need You Now...

A fren dedicated this song to me (dunno if he meant it or not...dun care lah!)...
I 1st heard this song when Taylor Swift sings it...but I think I prefer the original singer, Lady Antebellum better...

Okay, ermm...this song is great, my fren whom gives this song too is great...what more can I say? Enjoy this song as much as I enjoy it...!
Thanks for dedicating this song to me dear....muahh! :P



Need You Now - Lady Antebellum

Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can't fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.


Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.


It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.

P/S : I love this song...coz you know i need you now... ;-p

Cari Jodoh...

Hahahaha...this song Kak Ajie dedicated to me, coz I was so girlishly told her I want to find someone in my life...Finding love in my life...and jokingly she dedicated this song to me...

I was chit chatting with a fren & I was asking him what song does he enjoy at the moment...& coincidently he said the same song...! Hahahaha!! Funny! Funny! I dunno it was the same song until I uploaded it in Youtube...

Okay fren, since this song dedicated to me & you as well (dunno why ur fren also want to dedicate this song to you, I mean....tak suitable at all lah hahah! ;P)

Enjoy this song ya ppl...

Aku mau cari jodoh!! Hahahahahaha...! Usia saya sudah makin lanjut...bila lagi mau kahwin??? :P



Apa salahku apa salah ibuku
Hidupku dirundung pilu
Tak ada yang mau dan menginginkan aku
Tuk jadi pengobat pilu
Tuk jadi penawar rindu
Tuk jadi kekasih hatiku

*
Timur ke barat selatan ke utara
Tak juga aku berjumpa
Dari musim duren hingga musim rambutan
Tak kunjung aku dapatkan
Tak jua aku temukan
Oh tuhan inikah cobaan

**
Ibu-ibu bapak-bapak
Siapa yang punya anak
Bilang aku aku yang tengah malu
Sama teman-temanku
Karna cuma diriku yang tak laku-laku

***
Pengumuman-pengumuman
Siapa yang mau bantu
Tolong aku kasihani aku
Tolong carikan diriku kekasih hatiku
Siapa yang mau

Back to *, **, ***

Ibu bapak punya anak
Bilang-bilang aku aku yang tengah malu
Sama teman-temanku
Karna cuma diriku yang tak laku-laku

Back to ***

Untuk Mencintaimu...

A fren of mine have ask me to search for this song...

Mmmmm...when I heard this song, it seems that this song have some sort of meaning for someone I know jer...hehehehe... :-)

Whatever it is, this song's lyric quite nice & relax...So fren, u enjoy this song ya... ;-)




Untuk Mencintaimu - Seventeen

apa yang harus aku lakukan
untuk membuat kau mencintaiku
segala upaya tlah kulakukan untukmu

apa yang harus aku temukan
untuk membuat kau menyayangiku
inilah aku yang memilih kau untukku

reff:
karna aku mencintaimu
dan hatiku hanya untukmu
tak akan menyerah
dan takkan berhenti mencintaimu

ku berjuang dalam hidupku
untuk selalu memilikimu
seumur hidupku, setulus hatiku
hanya untukmu

repeat reff

seumur hidupku, setulus hatiku
ooohhhh

Another One...

It's been quite a week for me...I broke down, feel so depressed by something that keeps on coming back to me...like it would never wanted to really end...only if I 'end' it once and for all...but this is my weakness...I just don't want to make something gets worsen...coz I know what could have happen if I really do...

I decided to let things go, just like last time, just follow what you wanted me to do & to be, I wanted to 'block' one person out, thinking of sacrifing again, nuts! It was a wrong move, coz this one is stronger, in a very silent brutal killer look way...

Now, after few hesitation, encouragement, advices & all...I decided to go for it, change of life...this makes me happy...you...

I know I shouldn't have said the things that would hurt u...but u were so calm & understanding, makes me feel so at ease...all the things you said comfort me knowing that I am something & someone worthy...it helps me to feel better...much better...

U kept your promise, u keep yourself content...
ur comforting voice & ur strong soul,
seems perfect...
put a smile on my face...
dries off my tearful, hurtful eyes & clouded mind,

you were there,
you saw me,
I'm able to feel that again,

When I look to you,
I know what we share is pure, sweet & true...
I see it in your eyes,

Thanks for holding me...
And keep yourself near...


That's all I need



Stronger

Why Do We Cry...

Dear God,

I wanted to write a letter to you, to ask you, why do we cry? Why us human cry?

What I am feeling at the moment just a deep sadness in my heart & I cried in the office just now...my fren didn't realise that I was crying at my workstation, after calling up my mum, asking her about my dad & her condition, somehow her voice makes me all teary...til I couldn't bear it...

I love my mum & dad... so so much... I wanted to see them happy, smiling again like we used to, the 4 of us...

Another reason I cried were probably of the current issues & trouble that I faced now...Hear my prayer...

Give me as many strength that you could offer me God...so that I could smile again with all my heart... & to feel happiness again...


Letter to God

If I Am A Bird..

I remember when I was just a little girl, around 6 yrs old, my dad sign me up to play musical instrument, ie organ, instead of piano. Well, piano lesson were more expensive at the time...organ was more cheaper & well, it's an instrument also...

So there I am, at Technics music school, this quiet, shy & timid little girl starts her musical journey...my music teacher, Ms Liling Vung, was the most sweetest person I've known...my parents wanted me to be exposed to people when they sign me in to organ classes...they informed my teacher that I may not be like other children whom are playful...I still remember my mum told Ms Liling, 'she's very quiet & timid, be soft to her coz she's very obedient, no need to be strict...she listens to people very good...' Hahaha...! I remember that clearly coz believe it or not, I was hiding behind my mum's back & I was really terrified when they made me go there...I always feel like I wanted to cry each time they dropped me to class coz I was so scared to even enter the classes...pressure of every other children who wants to talk to me, Ms Liling asking question that I can't answer & to play the organ with everyone focusing on you, hearing your every melody & chords are properly played...intense & traumatic for a timid child with the likes of me...huhuhu...interestingly what happens?

After juz barely less than a year playing the organ, Ms Liling came up to me & ask me if I'm ready to perform on the stage...I was like, huh?! What?! Me. I'm so small...mana boleh...takuttt bah... But Ms Liling said she believe in me that I would not fail her...& I can do it all by myself...

So there I am, at Yayasan Sabah, after 2 mths, practising, the same old song keep on playing in my hands, by heart, until I can easily play the song even shutting my eyes...The Hall was filled with lots of people, my parents were there too & almost 2,000 audience were there (some were the big bosses of Technics Music School came all the way from Japan)...

When my name was called, I came out & bow to the audiences, & only God knows how crazy my head was 'spinning', rushy feeling & nervous all...I didn't start off well, I played the melody wrongly on the 1st line of the song...I realise it sooner than my reflects would, I stopped then I took a deep breath & start over...& the rest of it was history...after the song finishes, everyone applaud & I was kinda proud of myself...big smile...feels like the people appreciating our talent & our handwork of art...it was the best feeling at that so young age...

The song that I performed was titled, 'I Am A Bird'...sounds familiar? Yup, my title of this blog....& the purpose of my entry...

Today, I do some thinking at the back of my office, I look out at my office window, I saw a big bird, more like an eagle I think lah, was fyling around our office building...as I look at it, I was wondering, if I could really live free like a bird...

At times, I just feel like I wanted to fly freely..

If God gave me wings to fly,
I would have spread my wings to pick u up & set us free,
I would have flown far away lands,
Searching for a great peace of mind,

If I had wings to fly,
I would have search for the most peaceful place on earth,
Each time I breakdown,
Or each time I lift my head up high,
I just wanted to be me...

If my broken wings fallen,
I would have search for the ever told sanctuary,
Stopped there, thinking,
Will I ever be set free...

Wings to fly,
Hold my head up high,
And with a sigh,
A tear drop & I cry...

God be with me in my times of trouble, in times I need you...hope things were easy but it's not, so give me thy strength to lift up those heavy burden,at my back... Give me some signs that you're hearing my 'calls'...I just wanna be out of my neverending problems... ;'(



Fly Free

I Found The Reasons For Me...

I just got back from an impromptu trip with my fren to Cameron Highlands...

Quite tired right now but very eager to write this entry coz it's the only thing that can make me happy at the moment...lots of things happen this week which makes me think & think & think more of my dilemma here...

Reason 1 : Family - My mum & my bro had a fight last sunday, my mum cried badly that time coz of the pressure taking care of my dad, about his stubborness & his ways of complicating people around him whom are juz trying their best to make him feel comfortable, feel good & to help him in this healing process... The other day, due to his stubborness, my bro accidentally shows off his bad tempered tantrums to my mum coz he juz can't stand to hear her whining & complaining that no one is helping her to take care of my dad...But as a matter of fact, I think my bro had sacrifice lots of time & his effort to help my mum, but, everyone who knows my mum well, they'll know that she's a perfectionist...she never satisfy with anything that we do to help her...sometimes she would juz scold me & my bro back for no reason & sometimes I do think I wanna explode coz my mum always seems so unreasonable angered at us & always kills our heart with her sharp complaints to us...Since my dad diagnosed with cancer, nothing in our home sweet home feels the same again...I miss talking to my family, laughing & juz sharing with them my stories...which I love to do all the time...but now everything's different...whenever we sit at the table for dinner...my mum will prepare my dad's porridge & his meal separate from us which is fine...but whenever we sit together, we try to talk to him like normal...he always seems to hesitate to talk to us...keep quiet....it kills me really, I always wanted to cry whenever I saw his face showing his suffer...but I keep on putting a smiley face even I knew my bro feels the same... Before I went back to KL last week, I did have a small talk with my bro to take care of my dad & try to be around our mum to help her...I know I might sound selfish to ask that favour from him, but he seems to be ok...but he did mentioned that sometimes he juz can't stand my mum's whining...I told him, just be patience... But things happened differently, my mum & bro haven't talk to each other in a good way yet, but I hope they will find strength on each other to face this...coz when I heard about this thing from my mum, I really didn't know what to say to her coz...I juz feel guilty all round...The more I think about it, the more I feel tensed up on it...

Reason 2 : Friends - Well, should I say more? Everyone who knows me so well...they'd know..BFF, Office Frens, Gym Frens, Forever frens, Superb frens, Friendship never ends, My Dear Frens....WHO LABELLED ALL THIS? WHO?! I don't label my frens...everyone that are close to me...in ANY way, be it in the office, house, gym, outside bla bla bla...if these people have shown me respect, genuinely be a fren to me in my times of need, help me in my emotion & mentally stronger...they worth my time...I don't need to PLEASE fren that always always emotionally blackmail me! Keeping me feel trapped all the time... Space! Space! Space! That's all we need in our life...Get over it! I getting fed up each time I have to be the one who will always need to reassure someone...

Sometimes fren, things happens for a reason...and that reason may not be the thing you wanted to hear or wanted to know...if you wanna ask Why...then you try asking God for an answer...but only one thing I wanted to say, I juz dun wanna be bothered with your feeling anymore...you talked about your feeling all the time...you cried about all your suffering that noone understand as you claim it to be...but fren...EVERYONE have understand you...! Only you never bothered other ppl's feeling... Wake up from your whining fren!!! You wanted people to understand you & follow your stubborn head...but you dun want people whom understand you & advicing you what's best...you just refused to listen but expect people to listen to your whining & not doing anything...! Then why do u need friend for? Enough already...! My principle now is...Please Myself before Please Everyone...All I wanted is to be happy myself...be it with all the friends that you labelled for me, Grade 'A' frens, BFF, Best Buddy, High School Frens etc...or with my family or my cousins & relatives...I just dun wanna be bothered...anymore...Okay...? Coz No Matter What All that matters is learning to appreciate what you have...only when the thing has gone, u'll realise how important it is to understand values of life...mmmm...

Reason 3 : Love - A fren told me, Love is pure...an act of purity...so can I told this fren of mine, 'I love you'? Hehehehe...over kan? ;-p Well, love is one thing I really wanted to experience again in my life after so long I haven't been really in a serious relationship...I have a few dilemma conquering my mind right now especially about my feeling for him every now & then...but it seems that it is going no where, no future, no nothing...& this guy seems to be keeping himself numb about all things...Maybe he doesn't feel the same way I felt about him, I did find some ways to try show him some of my feeling for him, but I dun think it makes any impact on him, coz really, I'm still in confusion on his status...seriously...but if he really didn't feel the same about me, then it's okay...I may feel hurt...coz it's not like I never feel this feeling b4... ;-) I'll be...Better in time... I do have deep feeling about you, I fallen in love for you & I can't seem to stop this feeling so easily but I hope I will eventually...**okay, this is so girly emo kinda thingy...dunno why la...gatal is it...haha**

Reason 4 : Everything - It's just everything...! Basically I'm tired about everything...! I feel so weak but yet I am trying my best to be strong...for everything...! All I need is God's strength to pour down on me...& put more faith in God to help me to find best solution for my current issues...be it my family, friends, love etc...

Hehehehe...quite long elaboration I have there huh? Well, when my fren invited me to join her to Cameron, I didn't hesitate coz I know I always feel great being around with her...never dull... ;-) But another reason why I followed her is simple...is to clear my clustered mind & to be at ease...taking a break from d hectic non stop trouble life I have...

The trip was great! Wanna know more about Cameron stories? Will update on my next entry... ;-)



A Greater Feeling