I Found The Reasons For Me...

I just got back from an impromptu trip with my fren to Cameron Highlands...

Quite tired right now but very eager to write this entry coz it's the only thing that can make me happy at the moment...lots of things happen this week which makes me think & think & think more of my dilemma here...

Reason 1 : Family - My mum & my bro had a fight last sunday, my mum cried badly that time coz of the pressure taking care of my dad, about his stubborness & his ways of complicating people around him whom are juz trying their best to make him feel comfortable, feel good & to help him in this healing process... The other day, due to his stubborness, my bro accidentally shows off his bad tempered tantrums to my mum coz he juz can't stand to hear her whining & complaining that no one is helping her to take care of my dad...But as a matter of fact, I think my bro had sacrifice lots of time & his effort to help my mum, but, everyone who knows my mum well, they'll know that she's a perfectionist...she never satisfy with anything that we do to help her...sometimes she would juz scold me & my bro back for no reason & sometimes I do think I wanna explode coz my mum always seems so unreasonable angered at us & always kills our heart with her sharp complaints to us...Since my dad diagnosed with cancer, nothing in our home sweet home feels the same again...I miss talking to my family, laughing & juz sharing with them my stories...which I love to do all the time...but now everything's different...whenever we sit at the table for dinner...my mum will prepare my dad's porridge & his meal separate from us which is fine...but whenever we sit together, we try to talk to him like normal...he always seems to hesitate to talk to us...keep quiet....it kills me really, I always wanted to cry whenever I saw his face showing his suffer...but I keep on putting a smiley face even I knew my bro feels the same... Before I went back to KL last week, I did have a small talk with my bro to take care of my dad & try to be around our mum to help her...I know I might sound selfish to ask that favour from him, but he seems to be ok...but he did mentioned that sometimes he juz can't stand my mum's whining...I told him, just be patience... But things happened differently, my mum & bro haven't talk to each other in a good way yet, but I hope they will find strength on each other to face this...coz when I heard about this thing from my mum, I really didn't know what to say to her coz...I juz feel guilty all round...The more I think about it, the more I feel tensed up on it...

Reason 2 : Friends - Well, should I say more? Everyone who knows me so well...they'd know..BFF, Office Frens, Gym Frens, Forever frens, Superb frens, Friendship never ends, My Dear Frens....WHO LABELLED ALL THIS? WHO?! I don't label my frens...everyone that are close to me...in ANY way, be it in the office, house, gym, outside bla bla bla...if these people have shown me respect, genuinely be a fren to me in my times of need, help me in my emotion & mentally stronger...they worth my time...I don't need to PLEASE fren that always always emotionally blackmail me! Keeping me feel trapped all the time... Space! Space! Space! That's all we need in our life...Get over it! I getting fed up each time I have to be the one who will always need to reassure someone...

Sometimes fren, things happens for a reason...and that reason may not be the thing you wanted to hear or wanted to know...if you wanna ask Why...then you try asking God for an answer...but only one thing I wanted to say, I juz dun wanna be bothered with your feeling anymore...you talked about your feeling all the time...you cried about all your suffering that noone understand as you claim it to be...but fren...EVERYONE have understand you...! Only you never bothered other ppl's feeling... Wake up from your whining fren!!! You wanted people to understand you & follow your stubborn head...but you dun want people whom understand you & advicing you what's best...you just refused to listen but expect people to listen to your whining & not doing anything...! Then why do u need friend for? Enough already...! My principle now is...Please Myself before Please Everyone...All I wanted is to be happy myself...be it with all the friends that you labelled for me, Grade 'A' frens, BFF, Best Buddy, High School Frens etc...or with my family or my cousins & relatives...I just dun wanna be bothered...anymore...Okay...? Coz No Matter What All that matters is learning to appreciate what you have...only when the thing has gone, u'll realise how important it is to understand values of life...mmmm...

Reason 3 : Love - A fren told me, Love is pure...an act of purity...so can I told this fren of mine, 'I love you'? Hehehehe...over kan? ;-p Well, love is one thing I really wanted to experience again in my life after so long I haven't been really in a serious relationship...I have a few dilemma conquering my mind right now especially about my feeling for him every now & then...but it seems that it is going no where, no future, no nothing...& this guy seems to be keeping himself numb about all things...Maybe he doesn't feel the same way I felt about him, I did find some ways to try show him some of my feeling for him, but I dun think it makes any impact on him, coz really, I'm still in confusion on his status...seriously...but if he really didn't feel the same about me, then it's okay...I may feel hurt...coz it's not like I never feel this feeling b4... ;-) I'll be...Better in time... I do have deep feeling about you, I fallen in love for you & I can't seem to stop this feeling so easily but I hope I will eventually...**okay, this is so girly emo kinda thingy...dunno why la...gatal is it...haha**

Reason 4 : Everything - It's just everything...! Basically I'm tired about everything...! I feel so weak but yet I am trying my best to be strong...for everything...! All I need is God's strength to pour down on me...& put more faith in God to help me to find best solution for my current issues...be it my family, friends, love etc...

Hehehehe...quite long elaboration I have there huh? Well, when my fren invited me to join her to Cameron, I didn't hesitate coz I know I always feel great being around with her...never dull... ;-) But another reason why I followed her is simple...is to clear my clustered mind & to be at ease...taking a break from d hectic non stop trouble life I have...

The trip was great! Wanna know more about Cameron stories? Will update on my next entry... ;-)



A Greater Feeling