Suara...Ku Berharap

I heard this song on the radio this morning...it reminds me of sum1...sum1 dear to my heart...sum1 whom always have a special place in me...

A song which was so important to you dear...it has a special meaning to u...Smile for me when you remember our times...happy times...sharing our stories, our moments, that nothing could ever change...I hope it's not a fake smile from u, I hope it was all a sincere gesture from you...coz u know what u meant for me...

Someone who listens to me when I cried to sleep,
Someone who calms me whenever I'm in a bad state,
Someone who loves me the way that I never felt,
And I hope it's true to your heart too...

Because everything was real for me...

Today I hear your voice on the phone,
I was shocked and was too happy to put down the phone,
Though it's only for awhile,
I was having a nap, I had a dream of you,
it was a good dream...felt real...
until I hear your voice...on d line...

;-)

whatever it is, wherever u may be, come what may between us...I know I'm a bit overeacted...but hope we're ok...

This special song was sung for you rite? So this gonnabe dedicate to you...

Enjoy ur song...





Suara (Ku Berharap)

Disini aku masih sendiri
Merenungi hari-hari sepi
Aku tanpamu
Masih tanpamu

Bila esok hari datang lagi
Ku coba untuk hadapi semua ini
Meski tanpamu meski tanpamu

Bila aku dapat bintang yang berpijar
Mentari yang tenang bersamaku disini
Ku dapat tertawa menangis merenung
Di tempat ini aku bertahan

*
Suara dengarkanlah aku
Apa kabarnya pujaan hatiku
Aku di sini menunggunya
Masih berharap di dalam hatinya

Suara dengarkanlah aku
Apakah aku slalu dihatinya
Aku di sini menunggunya
Masih berharap di dalam hatinya

Kalau ku masih tetap disini
Ku lewati semua yang terjadi
Aku menunggumu Aku menunggu

Suara dengarkanlah aku
Apa kabarnya pujaan hatiku
Aku di sini menunggunya
Masih berharap di dalam hatinya

Suara dengarkanlah aku
Apakah aku ada dihatinya
Aku di sini menunggunya
Masih berharap di dalam hatinya

Alive

I wanna feel alive again...At times these days, I can hear & feel my heart is breaking down..falling apart..feeling rather 'quiet'..

I realize that I should took this time to think things thru again..A fren of mine told me..stop thinking abt things that unnecessary & focus on my priority..

Fren, I know I can always ALWAYS count on you to guide me thru..I know u can't be with me all the time, but u're always d great fren that u are..being there when I need sum1 to talk to..Hmmm...I guess I'm lucky.. ;-)


ALIVE



Alive Lyrics

Time goes slowly now in my life
Fear no more of what I'm not sure

Searching to feel your soul
The strength to stand alone
the power of not knowing and letting go

I guess I've found my way it's simple when its right
Feeling lucky just to be here tonight
and happy just to be me and be alive.

Love, in and out, of my... my heart,
And though life can be strange I can't be afraid

Searching to feel your soul, the strength to stand alone,
The power of not knowing and letting go

I guess I've found my way it's simple when it's right
Feeling lucky just to be here tonight
and happy just to be me and be alive
I guess I've found my way it's simple
when its right feeling lucky just to be here tonight and
happy just to be me and to be alive.

Last Time

This song is a great one from Secondhand Serenade..I first heard it on my brother's phone which he pass to me..Nokia N97..I love the phone coz the front camera was superb..big screen & I was so krazey taking pictures of myself 'fooling' around in front of d camera..

Okay, enuff abt d phone..

I love this song..it somehow touches sumthing inside me..my heart..

Enjoy it.. ;-)


LAST TIME



Last Time Lyrics

I'm stuck with writing songs
Just to forget
What they really were about
And these words are bringing me so deeply insane
That I don't think I can take my way out

I couldn't breathe through it
Like I need to and the words don't mean a thing

So I'll sing this song to you
For the last time
And my heart is torn in two
Thinking of days spent without you
And there is nothing left to prove

I'm counting all the things I could have done
To make you see
That I wanted us to be what I go to sleep and dream of
I want you to know that I'd die for you
I'd die for you

I couldn't breathe through it
Like I need to and the words don't mean a thing

So I'll sing this song to you
For the last time
And my heart is torn in two
Thinking of the days spent without you
And there's nothing left to prove

And if you are alone
Make sure you're not lonely
'Cause if you are, I blame myself
For never being home
I know I'm not the only one
Who will treat you like they should
Like you deserve

I'm stuck with writing songs
Just to forget

So I'll sing this song to you
For the last time
And my heart is torn in two
Thinking of the days spent without you
And there's nothing left to prove

If I Die Young...

My cousin were searching for this song for quite sometimes...

I enjoyed listening to it...It has a very meaningful words & maybe something to think abt...

I feel this song...



If I Die Young - The Band Perry

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
oh oh oh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

And I’ll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I’ve never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
There’s a boy here in town says he’ll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
oh oh

The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep ‘em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need 'em oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls



Welcome to Your Kingdom,
Me

My Say...

I have been blogging for awhile now, sharing to the world about my pathetic problematic life.. I have written openly abt my feelings, stories & life endeavors.. Why? Sum ppl told me that my blog have tones of personal story that not supposed to be told in the cyber space..

My blog is not meant for showing off..my blog is not about being cool..& my blog is not abt impressing ppl..

It's my originality & my authenticity & this is me...

My blog is abt LEARNING in our life... I have been in a very turbulent life style & I always lost in my direction & stumble & fall & failed..

I hope when ppl read my blog...they learn sum thing frm my past experiences.. & if anybody wants to know me better, they would be able to know me little by little just by reading my blog..

So..whatever says..

I love my blog & my space...

S.H.A.R.I.N.G Tears or Happiness?

Today, I have been stung by sum close ppl in my life wit words that really did gives me sumthing to think abt..to take consider of..

I've gotten to know a good fren, I called 'Happy Bender', every happiness & fun that I can get..

She told me sumthing abt things that have been going around in my circle of problem for yrs...I know there will come a time, ppl get fed up wit my constant problem..yada yada..but eventually, it's me to decide..can I make up that decision..I cried, listening to every word she said..it hurts me little by little..& I can see it may affect her impression on me..where all tis while, I have been trying to 'cover' my current 'troubled' situation frm her coz I dun want her to know..but she was being a good fren that she is.. listening, advicing, hutful.. and I was touched..I'm glad to share that big part of me.. to her.. but I hope it doesnt 'hurt' our good friendship..

Fren, I dun wanna say much here, all I know, I was kinda relief to talk to you.. & afraid that tis might affect us..

But I do hope it's not.. I'll be really sad if it is..

Signed,

Baby Monkey

L.O.V.E

Dear,

It's the 'L' word...

I want to feel that again...I had enuff & sick & tired of inconsistency...

I've loved you for so long...I never stop...but u can't juz say all the things to me & expect me to have juz waited for you, u know it's never gonna be easy...it's not fair to say that I never care..for all u know that I've cried so many times regretting..It's about time for somebody else..

But my heart is not strong when it comes to love for u..

I need to keep u away frm me..

Let our Love go, & make way for others to come in...

At least u have done it...but I never did...

So let me..


I'll be lying if I say I didn't miss u at all...u were always my hero...


Truly madly deeply

Was It Something That I Didn't Say?

It's been awhile since I last update my blog with beautiful songs...

One of my dear dear dear fren..loves this song so much..

To my Happy Bender, this is for you...I enjoy ur funny ways in singing...tho it's not ur favourite trait, but it's always something memorable...! So here it is;



It's not easy to find this song u know...Finally! I found it..! Haha...enjoy ;-)


Was It Something That I Didn't Say

Something I didn't say
Something I didn't say

Spending another night alone
Wondering when
I'm gonna ever see you again
Thinking what I would give
To get you back, baby

I should have told you how I felt then
Instead, I kept it to myself, yeah
I let my love go unexpressed
'Til it was too late
You walked away

[Chorus 1:]
Was it something I didn't say
When I didn't say, "I love you"?
Was it words that you never heard
All those words I should have told you
All those times, all those nights
When I had the chance to?
Was it something I didn't say?
(Something I didn't say)
Was it something I didn't say?
(Something I didn't say)

Always assumed that you'd be there
Ooh, ooh, couldn't foresee
The day you'd ever be leaving me
How could I let my world
Slip through my hands, baby?

I took for granted that you knew, yeah
All of the love I had for you, yeah
I guess you never had a clue
'Til it was too late
You walked away

[Repeat chorus 1]

[Bridge:]
Oh, oh, all the words were in my heart
Well, they went unspoken
Baby, now my silent heart
Is a heart that's broken
I shoulda said so many things
Shoulda let you know
You're the one I needed near me
But I never let you hear me

[Chorus 2:]
Was it something I didn't say
When I didn't say, "I love you"?
Was it words that you never heard
All those words I should have told you
All those times, all those nights
When I had the chance to?
All those times, all those nights
When I had the chance to
Was it something I didn't say?
(Something I didn't say)
Was it something I didn't say?
(Something I didn't say)

Something I didn't say
(I'm so sorry, girl, so sorry)
Something I didn't say
(I'm so sorry, girl, so sorry)

Something I didn't say
Something I didn't say



xoxo

Just Me,

Cilla

One In A Million...

On my B-day...

Someone gave me a card...with juz a short message...

YOU ARE ONE IN A MILLION

Well...was I ever been important in ur life? How I wish I know if I am somewhat great to you...? I always wonder...I wanted to know...I cried so many times, hurt so many times, been thru 'alot', been wildly thought...because of you...& never EVER felt I'm being appreciate on the things I did or sacrifice...

I never wanted everything or ask anything from you but only answers...& I hope the answers u have given to me were something real, genuine & honest...

If it's a blessing...I hope u will never let go...u promised...


xoxo,

Me to You

On Sept 10th...2010

Yes...this date is special to me coz its my birthdate...a year to go & I'll be on my 3 series...

Huhu...what have I achieve or half way achieve? There are some good & bad...but whatever it is...so far...I'm ok...though there are many low points in my life this year...& how badly I felt losing someone whom were so dear to my heart...& dealing wit it..& I'm still trying to cope...well, sumthings were just better left unsaid in my heart I guess...besides...I know He is somewhere peaceful...up there...Miss u daddy... :'-(

Owh, on my b-day, I received the biggest pressie ever this year...I loikeee..

Thanks dear! U're the best! U know u are...! ;-)



Bebey & Me

Love bebey!!...besides, what matters the most is...the thought that counts...And u should know by now ur existence in my life is already the greatest gift for me dear...thanks alot..!


xoxo!!

Cilla

Lessons Learned...

I guess d title explains itself...

For a couple of mths, I have been doing lots of thinking on my life...was it the way I wanted to live it? Was it perfect? Have I filled it wit great stories tat I should be proud of to tell my future generations...?

I've to admit tat I had done lots of petty , small mistakes & wrong turn..& kept repeating it at times...I'm juz a normal human being..fragile, weak & so negative thru d whole journey..little did I know tat God made his plan for me in silence..

Somehow, I slowly realize & open my eyes to d real world & how I may achieve my dreams..& how to be strong..

I've broken down & fall apart so many times in my life & easily give up in doing things tat I was so determined at first..I was afraid..shy..shallow minded..

Til u told me..to be someone & to be strong.. ;-) yes u..

Time envy our times together, but everytime, u never stop giving me ur 'crappy' & 'rubbish' advices (u said it!) & as I always throw my 'so whateverrr...' face to u, I was a millionth times thankful for He brings u to me..

There were lessons learned..as d words came out frm u, always make me go back & revalue my life, priority & myself..

U make me feel tat I am someone worthy..
U make me realize tat life is abt balance..
U make me feel thankful for who I am inside..
U showed me tat life is all abt learning process..& experiences..
And the way u told me things that open my eyes & make me numb & stun for awhile..thinking..

U've done nothing! But only waking me up from my fantasy to face the reality of life...

I know I've been a baby all these while, you make me realise sumthings in this life, being a matured person in sorting my priority & make firm decisions in my future...

I know everyone is telling me that it is all up to me to live my life the way it was supposed to be...

I have been so weak, thinking tat I always need someone to be constantly there for me...but now I realise, somehow the way to be stronger is to LEAD our own life the way we wanted it to be & be happy for whatever decision we make...I admit that I do need reminders in my life...

And that 'reminder' were the ones that kept me believe in myself that I can face any challenges that comes my way...& I learn one experience from u...CONSISTENCY...haha! I know...

Have I learn the lesson?

We'll see... ;-)


Dedicate this entry for my Happy Bender!

xoxo!

Cilla

A Month Or Two...I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane...

This is a huge decision for me...it's been nerve wrecking time as it's getting closer...if this works (fingers crossed), I might be moving earlier than expected...

KL would a place for visit only & not my life anymore...Lots of my frens asks me if I'm ready...but...we never knew til the time comes, do we?

I have been holding back as I'm afraid of losing what I have now, but staying or not staying won't make any much of a difference anyway...maybe it's better for me to leave early so that some of my haters (wow..was it alot?) won't have to see my face that often...

Anyhow, if these succeed, I get what I wanted, I might feel relieved & satisfied...well, I give my family the thing they want the most from me...is to come back in their arms again...

My...I'm going to miss everything about KL...10yrs staying here & survived...

Well, as the Malays said it, "Di mana ada pertemuan, adanya perpisahan..." But with new hi tech gadgets & cheap flight ticket, KL is just 2 1/2 hours ride from KK...

I hope I'm ready to take this...

Don't wanna jinx my future...but...I pray I got this... ;-)


Pray pray Pray! Have a little faith...

Cill

Am I moving on...? I love this song too...it is something I felt inside me...



I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

What Hurts The Most

I love this song...what hurts the most in life...?




What Hurts The Most

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ?em out

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
(Much to say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do, oh
Oh yeah

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
(To say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

Not seein' that lovin' you
That's what I was trying to do, ooo

Here By Me

This song juz captured my heart instantly...I heard this song when I was youtube-ing with my cousin at home...this song is old but it dig my heart deeply & I feel this song...Do Enjoy this one entry...





HERE BY ME

I hope you’re doing fine out there without me
‘Cause I’m not doing so good without you
The things I thought you’d never know about me
Were the things I guess you always understood

So how could I have been so blind for all these years?
Guess I only see the truth through all this fear,
And living without you…

And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

I can’t take another day without you
‘Cause baby, I could never make it on my own
I’ve been waiting so long, just to hold you
And to be back in your arms where I belong

Sorry I can’t always find the words to say
But everything I’ve ever known gets swept away
Inside of your love…

And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me

As the days grow long I see
That time is standing still for me
When you’re not here

Sorry I can’t always find the words to say
Everything I’ve ever known gets swept away
Inside of your love

And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me

And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me

Take Time To Realize...

It's been a while since my last entry...well, I've gotten pretty busy with my work...& boss are complaining that my performance going down...hmmm...was it? Watever lah...

2 weeks ago, I went to Singapore with a fren...it's an impromptu trip & I have to admit...I enjoyed our trip...though there was some uneasyness that I felt but hey... I learn to live with it... ;-)

The best moment there was probably our trip to Universal Studio Singapore...glam! glam! glam! Never knew that I would enjoy that short moments & time just to feel like a kid again...so enthusiatic on the magical world of technology...!

It was definitely a fun weekend...! Kiddy weekend...& to be honest...If I had the chance again, I wouldn't miss it for the world... ;-)

I went Treasure Hunting last weekend & it was a fabulous trip too! I have lots of fun with my frens here...I took some time to think abt my life during my stay at Cherating the other day... would I be able to leave KL when I have to...? It would be very hard for me...

I'm gonna miss the shopping atmosphere, the malls, the freedom but most of all, along the way I meet great friends here, which I can never live without...u guys know who u r...

They were the pillar of my strength & always gives me great advices abt life, love & friends, career etc...Why does the best kind of friendship comes when the least I expected it? & it happens when I'm at this age & I'm about to leave KL? I enjoy my great company with them...doing things we love together...we share our joy & sadness...it was d best feeling...& I'm genuinely happy... ;-)

Suddenly, I realize that I am lucky...to have the chance to get to know great friends around me...they are definitely gifts frm God...for me... ;-)

Luv u guys so much...!


Cill

Here Comes Goodbye...

This song reminds me of my Dad...

I cried whenever I saw the video...

Dad,
You're always gonna be in my thoughts, my prayers & my life...
Though you're gone, you will always gonna be in me...

I love you daddy...




Here Comes Goodbye

I can hear the truck tires coming up the gravel road
And its not like her to drive that slow, nothings on her radio
Footsteps on the front porch, I hear my doorbell
She usually comes right in, now I can tell

Here comes goodbye, here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry
Here comes the pain, Here comes me wishing things had never changed
And she was right here in my arms tonight, but here comes goodbye

I can hear her say I love you like it was yesterday
And I can see it written on her face that she had never felt this way
One day I thought Id see her with her daddy by her side
And violins would play here comes the bride

But here comes goodbye, here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear Im gonna cry
Here comes the pain, Here comes me wishing things had never changed(d)
And she was right here in my arms tonight, but here comes goodbye

Why does it have to go from good to gone?
Before the lights turn on, yeah and you're left alone
All alone, but here comes goodbye

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Here comes goodbye, here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry
Here comes the pain, Here comes me wishing things had never changed
And she was right here in my arms tonight, but here comes goodbye

What You Waiting For

I was introduced by a fren abt this song...& it was really fun & cute song...!

It reminds me of the Topless PT guys at FF...awesome threesome...!
Especially the last guy...oh my..oh my...if only...right?

To the guy that I can only dream of, do enjoy this song as much as I enjoy seeing you the other day...you make me wanna...**** ahahaha! ;-)



Mizznina ft Colby O'Donis - What Are You Waiting For

Bad Girl Never Die MySpace Video


What You Waiting For

CHORUS Colby
Baby I never seen someone wit your body
You make me wanna get this party started,
Hey baby come and tell me what's the score
Baby, baby, tell me, what chu, what chu, waiting for

CHORUS Mizz Nina
Baby I never seen someone with your body
You make me wanna get a little naughty
Hey baby come and get me it's all your's
Baby, baby, tell me, what chu, what chu, waiting for

VERSE
Colby
It's your birthday so tell me what you wanna do

Mizz Nina
It's my birthday I really wanna get with you

Colby
Drop the beat now and baby we can get it started

Mizz Nina
We'll go insane and take it to the after party
HOOK

Colby
So what's your name, hey baby what's your name, oh yeah

Mizz Nina
Sexy's my name, yeah sexy is my name

Colby
Ok, and what's your game, hey baby what's your game

Mizz Nina
Ok I like to play, I, I like to play, ay,

CHORUS Colby
Baby I never seen someone wit your body
You make me wanna get this party started,
Hey baby come and tell me what's the score
Baby, baby, tell me, what chu, what chu, waiting for

CHORUS Mizz Nina
Baby I never seen someone with your body
You make me wanna get a little naughty
Hey baby come and get me it's all your's
Baby, baby, tell me, what chu, what chu, waiting for

VERSE 2
Colby
Hey sexy girl from kuala la la lumpur

Mizz Nina
Hey baby that's me, I'll be on the dancefloor

Colby
I got chu a surprise, we're poppin up in vip

Mizz Nina
And if I ask nice can I take you home with me

HOOK x2

CHORUS Colby
Baby I never seen someone wit your body
You make me wanna get this party started,
Hey baby come and tell me what's the score
Baby, baby, tell me, what chu, what chu, waiting for

CHORUS Mizz Nina
Baby I never seen someone with your body
You make me wanna get a little naughty
Hey baby come and get me it's all your's
Baby, baby, tell me, what chu, what chu, waiting for


Bridge
Colby
Baby, lets get crazy, come on loose control, ol, ol

Mizz Nina
We're gonna tear up the after party, I know you want some more, oh, oh, oh

Colby
I wanna see ya, work that body, Drop it down real low, low, low

Mizz Nina
Hey baby, come and get me, tell me, what chu, what chu, what chu, what chu waiting for.

CHORUS Colby
Baby I never seen someone wit your body
You make me wanna get this party started,
Hey baby come and tell me what's the score
Baby, baby, tell me, what chu, what chu, waiting for

CHORUS Mizz Nina
Baby I never seen someone with your body
You make me wanna get a little naughty
Hey baby come and get me it's all your's
Baby, baby, tell me, what chu, what chu, waiting for

Teruskanlah...

I was listening to the radio the other day & heard this song...

The melody captured me instantly...I like...

Enjoy this song ;-)




Teruskanlah

Pernahkah kau bicara
Tapi tak di dengar
Tak di anggap
Sama sekali..

Pernahkan kau tak salah
Tapi disalahkan
Tak di beri
Kesempatan

Reff :
Kuhidup dengan siapa
Ku tak tau kau siapa
Kau kekasihku tapi
Orang lain bagiku

Kau dengan dirimu saja
Kau dengan duniamu saja
Teruskan lah.. Teruskan lah
Kau begitu

Kau tak butuh diriku
Aku patung bagimu
Cinta buta
Kebutuhan mu

Back to reff.

Hoo.. Hooo

Kau dengan dirimu saja
Kau dengan duniamu saja
Teruskan lah.. Teruskan lah
Kau.. kau begitu

Teruskan lah... teruskan lah..

A Day To Remember...

Today is the 40th day since my Dad's passed...

I tend to miss him at times when I'm so stressed up with work, life...etc...My Dad, the way I remembered him, is someone whom so likeable by others, funny, happy go lucky, cool & have a very great personality...he's a great man & he was a very great dad to me & always will...

We don't talk much...but we had a sixth sense on each other as we love each other very much...it feels weird on what I'm feeling...I felt his absence in my life... my brother & my mum too...When my Dad fall sick since his stroke & cancer, I always thought he would be strong to face it...but I forgotten that he was 68 yrs old & weak & have other complications in him...

It hurts me...knowing that I am feeling so guilty for everything that I didn't do for him while he was alive...I cried almost every single day...but I know eventually..I'm gonna be better in time...letting this feeling go wasn't easy...but I keep my Prayers strong for my Dad's soul, my mum's & my bro's emotional strength, & mine too...

Pray for His Soul to be Rest In Peace...Love you Dad, yesterday, today, tomorrow & eternity...wherever you maybe...I pray for your peace...


Your only daughter...

Hadir

Jiwa kacau berita derita
Titisan air mata mengkaburi
Saat ku sendiri
Menepis memori
Kau hadir

Buatku berdiri
Kuat Tenang menguasai
Suara menenangi
Sentuhan membelai
Kau singgah

Di mana sesat
Membawa diri
Tapi sentiasa kau tegas disisi
Mendengarmu kusedari
Kau datang

Sunyi yg ku rasa
Bunyi bisikan itu
Peluk sayang menjaga
Ciuman suara itu
Kau ada

Tiada kata
Apa daya kuasa
Yang hanya bilang
My Baby
Kau hadir membawa seribu satu makna...

Bukan sahaja kata
Tapi dalam kekalutan jiwa
Yang sedari ialah saya
Kau keluarga dihati
Kompas hidup kejalan yg terang

Hadirnya chemistry...
Hanya kita yang rasa...


Kau Hadir

12 April 2010

Say Goodnight, Not Goodbye...

I have been away all this while for almost 3 weeks...being alone, being away, being different...

My mind felt like it's bursting...! Too much to accept, too much to do, too much to decide...it's all juz too much!! Everything!!
....

Here I'm gonna release what I've been thru...slowly...and this is not easy for me to write...

The night before, 18 March was my colleague, Kak Ajie's bday...everyone & everything was A okay...evening arrives around 8.30pm, I was busy in the office working on the upgrading of cards for our bank's project...I received a rather distress call from my mum saying that she's quite worried abt my dad's deterioriating 'condition'...she had mentioned to me few days b4, that my dad had shown some signs of not feeling well, he started to feel the heavy dizzyness again, rejecting food that he eats or forced by my mum to eat...he doesn't want to talk, the way his eyes & mind blinded in his own world...& he start separated himself from my mum & bro...lots of things & signs that my Dad somehow knew he was about to 'leave' us...when my mum called me up that night, I was a little stressed up with work & all personal things that clouded me, I was abit rude to her...as if they complaining to me was like a burden for me to hear...I have said quite & rather harsh word to her...but my mum still keep on saying that my Dad is not in a good condition...so I told her I promise to flew back to KK earlier than I planned...I requested & forced my mum to pass the phone line to my dad but I heard my Dad on the background rejected my request...I was angered by that act...and I was HURT! Why didn't he wants to talk to me??? I talk with my mum for abit, then hung up...but my mind was raced by my dad's condition & since it was late, a good fren of mine, drive me home...she asked me what's going on with my dad...I told her everything...& somehow she knew what I'm going thru...she gave some words of encouragement...it did help...only for that night...I decided to sleep at my living room instead of the bedroom...I was unable to sleep well that night & all I can think of was my Dad...

Early morning on 19 March 2010 around 6.30am, after taking my bath...I heard my Aunty's hp rang...wow early...but I didn't think of anything bad...I went out from the bathroom & was walking towards the cloth hangers...but I heard Jenny was calling my name...I went to the living room...my Aunty had waken up & look kinda blur...Jenny told me that my bro called, ask to return the call...in my heart...the only thing that was racing was the word 'Dad'...when I called my bro...his first word was...'Cilla, ko relax dulu k? Ko lek dulu...', I deeply inhaled as much oxygen & said to him...' Just tell me...', He slowly informed me... 'Tadi mummy bangun, kami try kasi bangun daddy, tapi, bila kami pegang dia...Daddy sejuk sudah...Daddy tiada sudah...', I went silent...I heard my bro voice trying to say sumthing but I was practically started crying heavily & said loudly...'Why Dad? Why? Kenapa Daddy ndak mau ckp dgn saya semlm???' when I heard my bro was controlling his voice & emotion, trying to calm me...my Aunt went to my side & hugged me tightly...asking me to be strong & calm...all I wanna do that time was to cry & cry & cry...my cousin called me up...asking me just to pack up my stuff & go to KLIA asap...they will settle things about my flight to KK...I didn't think about anything & all I want to do was to go my mum's side...I told mostly all my good frens...about the news that got me...& heads to KLIA...

Got the earliest flight 9.20am...

**Am gonna stop here...writing about this surely gives the memories of everything I been thru...will continue again...when I'm ready...writing this entry makes hot tears rolling down so fast feel like I'm blinded with the tears non-stop falling... **

Daddy,

I love you...
I miss you since you're gone...
You mean the world to me...
I felt lost...

Felt Alone...
Abandoned...

But most of all...
I felt HURT...

If only I knew...

I would hold you in my arms...
I would take the pain away...

There's nothing I wouldn't do...
Just to hear your voice again...
Or look into your eyes...
And see you..
Looking back...

I wanna see you & meet you in my dreams...
But why can't I?

I really miss you & want to see you...
You dunno how much it hurts me when you passed...

I felt something in my heart was taken...
By force...

And I wasn't ready to let go...
I know your memories lives on...

But God,
Give me chance...

To see you...
To tell you things that I should have said long time ago...

I've long for your hugs & kisses...
Tell me that's everything okay...
Tell me everything's fine...

Why do you leave me here all by myself?
Let me see you once again...

Love,
Daddy's Only Little Girl

Being True To One Self Or...Hypocrite...

I have seen in my daily life routine there are lots of ppl out there living in lie...denying their real behaviour & judging other ppl instead...huhuhu...these type of ppl really pissing my heads off really! Short term, being a hypocrite...!

What I really sadden by is that...someone that you trust, have been acting so strange & have treated you coldly as if you have done something wrong...but in front of ppl, shown to me as if everything's normal....weird huh? How could you live with that? Being hypocrite just to satisfy the 'public'...? But the truth is, you don't treat me normally anymore...and I just can't understand why....Ppl say that there's no problem that cannot be solved...But the problem is, I couldn't find 'the problem', how to solve it??? You leave me with a stupid question mark in my head here!

All you think of is how you feel! You just don't care what I feel about you! Or how others have been telling me things that I dun wanna hear about you! Sometimes I wonder, have you ever TRY to understand my position? And will you ever feel my shoes??? Don't you have any empathy at all?

I have been trying to make everyone's life more happier but in fact, I'm suffering inside & this burden my mind off...

I'm happy if you are happy....I am not a SELFISH type of person like you! And I just dunno why I always end up good relations with this troubled, stubborn ppl that really make my mind goes bezerk!

And you know what? I just couldn't care more or care less about how you feel already...You just do anything that suit your best interest...I just dun wanna be bothered by you anymore...

I've done my best...but perhaps my best wasn't good enough for you...Is that how you treat your other friends?

As a friend, I am being true to myself when I say I care for you as a friend & probably you don't like my behaviour now...well, at least I am not a hypocrite...just like how you acted to others or how I can see others being hypocrite to you...

I don't laugh at your saddist life, but I pity you...coz you are good person, it's just that, you don't appreciate good frens in life...great company...

You are just being pathetic!

I'm sorry if you are burning right now with these words I wrote here...I am not perfect, but at least I am keeping my true colors & shine to other ppl...& at the same time, I am happy for who I am...


Hypocrites are politics!

Don't Say You Love Me...

I think I've fallen head over heels for him...I gotta to admit it now...it's not just a normal crush but it is something deeper than that...

I can't stop thinking about him, he's perfect in every way...but I just don't want to do this...arrgghh!!! Stop Cilla! Stop! He's not meant for you...You can't be with him...Face the fact...though he's just super duper sweet & nice to you, it won't go anywhere...Yeah I know, I just want to throw my feelings out...

I heard this song, I feel so down in hearing it...why? Hmmmm...only God knows how I truly feel...I can't explain this feeling already...

**Huuuu....I need my mum advice's in this dilemma...Sure mum will laugh her heads out seeing her daughter like this...huuuu... ** geteks & gedikkss & gatallss... ;-P




Lyrics & Music By: The Corrs, Carole Bayer Sager

I've seen this place a thousand times
I've felt this all before
And every time you call
I've waited there as though you might not call at all

I know this face I'm wearing now
I've seen this in my eyes
And though it feels so great, I'm still afraid
That you'll be leaving anytime

We've done this once and then you closed the door
Don't let me fall again for nothing more

Don't say you love me unless forever
Don't tell me you need me, if you're not gonna stay
Don't give me this feeling, I'll only believe it
Make it real or take it all away

I've caught myself smiling alone
Just thinking of your voice
And dreaming of your touch, is all too much
You know I don't have any choice

Don't say you love me unless forever
Don't tell me you need me, if you're not gonna stay
Don't give me this feeling, I'll only believe it
Make it real or take it all away
Yeah Yeah Yeah

We've done this once and then you closed the door
Don't let me fall again for nothing more

Don't say you love me unless forever
Don't tell me you need me, if you're not gonna stay
Don't give me this feeling, I'll only believe it
Make it real or take it all away

Say you love me
Don't tell me you need me, if you're not gonna stay
Don't give me this feeling, I'll only believe it
Make it real or take it all away
Take it all away, take it all away

The Goal...My Ultimate...

Hmmm....I wonder if I could ever achieve this? Lots of ppl have made a bet to me, they want to see me wearing this...It's always an ultimate challenge which is not easy for me to achieve...urrghh!

I know somehow frens & family wanted to motivate me to lose weight, so they have done & advice me lots of things to push me but seems it doesn't work out coz I myself didn't push myself enough...well it's true everyone said, the drive is in you...yourself...but like, how? Maybe this might help me...

When I look through at these lovely designs, it really make me feel wanting to fit in these lovely dresses...

Hmmm....I hope I don't just dream about it...I want to make it happen...I still have time...hehehe... **escapism?** No...try lah Cilla, make it as a challenge...okay? ;-)

Nice one right here...My ultimate fav! Look elegant & sexy in its on way... ;-)



Below here, this one also captured my eyes...not sure whether this dresses matches my body type coz, it shown here these dresses would look lovely with Apple Shape Body...hmmm...we'll see... ;-)

This watermelon color dress also looks so fabulously gorgeous, sweet & simple strapless dress...look so innocent...*ermm...Not a girl, not yet a woman type lah... hehehe *

This one right here, is more of a graduation type of dress, a girly type of dress...which look so naive, soft kind of person...I'm more of a brutal girl...so this dress may 'femininise' me...& I could embrace my womanhood better lah sort of... hehehehehe... yalah tu... ;-P

As a conclusion, may these dresses motivate me to achieve my target to wear Size 7 dress by November...hmmm seems so far lagi...but..if I don't start early, there will be lots of excuses lah to postpone...so better take baby step to go further... ;-)

29 dresses

Don't Stop Believing...

Don't Stop Believing - Glee

Just a small town girl
livin´ in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin´ anywhere
Just a city boy born and raised in South Detroit
He took the midnight train goin´ anywhere

A singer in a smoky room
The smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the nights
Streetlights people
Living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the nights

Working hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin´ anything to roll the dice
Just one more time

Some will win some will lose
Some are born to sing the blues
And now the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the nights
Streetlights people
Living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the nights

Don´t stop believin
Hold on to that feelin´
Streetlight people
(repeat)

Don´t stop!


I love Glee so much...I enjoyed it more than HSM...& this song somehow uplifting my spirit high in motivating oneself to go far...& believing in urself that's gotta be more to life than what you have now...

So never stop believing...don't give up easily...



Believin'

Suddenly I Remember You...

I heard this song during AJL, I fell in love with this song instantly...it really touch my soul, the music really captured the essence...

"Pergi..." is not an easy word to say but easy to play with...
When we're angry, we tend to say hurtful words to our loved ones, but we never really meant it & we were emotional filled with anger & suddenly we realise, we dun wanna say that...

I want to say this, I'm sorry to say that 'word' to you...I shouldn't have said things I dun mean to say...you know how I really feel dear...always.... ;-)



Pergi - Aizat

Sayu terpisah
hikayat indah kini hanya tinggal sejarah
berhembus angin rindu
begitu nyamannya terhidu wangian kasihmu

hujan lebat mencurah kini
bagaikan tiada henti
kaulah laguku kau irama terindah
tak lagi kudengari

kau pergi.. pergi..
sepi tanpa kata
terdiam dan kaku tak daya kau kulupa
apa pun kata mereka
biarkan kenangan berbunga di ranting usia

hujan lebat mencurah kini
bagaikan tiada henti
kaulah laguku kau irama terindah
tak lagi kudengari

kau pergi.. pergi..

hujan lebat mencurah kini
bagaikan tiada henti
kaulah laguku kau irama terindah
tak lagi kudengari

kau pergi.. pergi..
kau pergi.. pergi..
kau pergi.. pergi..



Dun want you to go

Need You Now...

A fren dedicated this song to me (dunno if he meant it or not...dun care lah!)...
I 1st heard this song when Taylor Swift sings it...but I think I prefer the original singer, Lady Antebellum better...

Okay, ermm...this song is great, my fren whom gives this song too is great...what more can I say? Enjoy this song as much as I enjoy it...!
Thanks for dedicating this song to me dear....muahh! :P



Need You Now - Lady Antebellum

Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can't fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.


Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.


It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.

P/S : I love this song...coz you know i need you now... ;-p

Cari Jodoh...

Hahahaha...this song Kak Ajie dedicated to me, coz I was so girlishly told her I want to find someone in my life...Finding love in my life...and jokingly she dedicated this song to me...

I was chit chatting with a fren & I was asking him what song does he enjoy at the moment...& coincidently he said the same song...! Hahahaha!! Funny! Funny! I dunno it was the same song until I uploaded it in Youtube...

Okay fren, since this song dedicated to me & you as well (dunno why ur fren also want to dedicate this song to you, I mean....tak suitable at all lah hahah! ;P)

Enjoy this song ya ppl...

Aku mau cari jodoh!! Hahahahahaha...! Usia saya sudah makin lanjut...bila lagi mau kahwin??? :P



Apa salahku apa salah ibuku
Hidupku dirundung pilu
Tak ada yang mau dan menginginkan aku
Tuk jadi pengobat pilu
Tuk jadi penawar rindu
Tuk jadi kekasih hatiku

*
Timur ke barat selatan ke utara
Tak juga aku berjumpa
Dari musim duren hingga musim rambutan
Tak kunjung aku dapatkan
Tak jua aku temukan
Oh tuhan inikah cobaan

**
Ibu-ibu bapak-bapak
Siapa yang punya anak
Bilang aku aku yang tengah malu
Sama teman-temanku
Karna cuma diriku yang tak laku-laku

***
Pengumuman-pengumuman
Siapa yang mau bantu
Tolong aku kasihani aku
Tolong carikan diriku kekasih hatiku
Siapa yang mau

Back to *, **, ***

Ibu bapak punya anak
Bilang-bilang aku aku yang tengah malu
Sama teman-temanku
Karna cuma diriku yang tak laku-laku

Back to ***

Untuk Mencintaimu...

A fren of mine have ask me to search for this song...

Mmmmm...when I heard this song, it seems that this song have some sort of meaning for someone I know jer...hehehehe... :-)

Whatever it is, this song's lyric quite nice & relax...So fren, u enjoy this song ya... ;-)




Untuk Mencintaimu - Seventeen

apa yang harus aku lakukan
untuk membuat kau mencintaiku
segala upaya tlah kulakukan untukmu

apa yang harus aku temukan
untuk membuat kau menyayangiku
inilah aku yang memilih kau untukku

reff:
karna aku mencintaimu
dan hatiku hanya untukmu
tak akan menyerah
dan takkan berhenti mencintaimu

ku berjuang dalam hidupku
untuk selalu memilikimu
seumur hidupku, setulus hatiku
hanya untukmu

repeat reff

seumur hidupku, setulus hatiku
ooohhhh

Another One...

It's been quite a week for me...I broke down, feel so depressed by something that keeps on coming back to me...like it would never wanted to really end...only if I 'end' it once and for all...but this is my weakness...I just don't want to make something gets worsen...coz I know what could have happen if I really do...

I decided to let things go, just like last time, just follow what you wanted me to do & to be, I wanted to 'block' one person out, thinking of sacrifing again, nuts! It was a wrong move, coz this one is stronger, in a very silent brutal killer look way...

Now, after few hesitation, encouragement, advices & all...I decided to go for it, change of life...this makes me happy...you...

I know I shouldn't have said the things that would hurt u...but u were so calm & understanding, makes me feel so at ease...all the things you said comfort me knowing that I am something & someone worthy...it helps me to feel better...much better...

U kept your promise, u keep yourself content...
ur comforting voice & ur strong soul,
seems perfect...
put a smile on my face...
dries off my tearful, hurtful eyes & clouded mind,

you were there,
you saw me,
I'm able to feel that again,

When I look to you,
I know what we share is pure, sweet & true...
I see it in your eyes,

Thanks for holding me...
And keep yourself near...


That's all I need



Stronger

Why Do We Cry...

Dear God,

I wanted to write a letter to you, to ask you, why do we cry? Why us human cry?

What I am feeling at the moment just a deep sadness in my heart & I cried in the office just now...my fren didn't realise that I was crying at my workstation, after calling up my mum, asking her about my dad & her condition, somehow her voice makes me all teary...til I couldn't bear it...

I love my mum & dad... so so much... I wanted to see them happy, smiling again like we used to, the 4 of us...

Another reason I cried were probably of the current issues & trouble that I faced now...Hear my prayer...

Give me as many strength that you could offer me God...so that I could smile again with all my heart... & to feel happiness again...


Letter to God

If I Am A Bird..

I remember when I was just a little girl, around 6 yrs old, my dad sign me up to play musical instrument, ie organ, instead of piano. Well, piano lesson were more expensive at the time...organ was more cheaper & well, it's an instrument also...

So there I am, at Technics music school, this quiet, shy & timid little girl starts her musical journey...my music teacher, Ms Liling Vung, was the most sweetest person I've known...my parents wanted me to be exposed to people when they sign me in to organ classes...they informed my teacher that I may not be like other children whom are playful...I still remember my mum told Ms Liling, 'she's very quiet & timid, be soft to her coz she's very obedient, no need to be strict...she listens to people very good...' Hahaha...! I remember that clearly coz believe it or not, I was hiding behind my mum's back & I was really terrified when they made me go there...I always feel like I wanted to cry each time they dropped me to class coz I was so scared to even enter the classes...pressure of every other children who wants to talk to me, Ms Liling asking question that I can't answer & to play the organ with everyone focusing on you, hearing your every melody & chords are properly played...intense & traumatic for a timid child with the likes of me...huhuhu...interestingly what happens?

After juz barely less than a year playing the organ, Ms Liling came up to me & ask me if I'm ready to perform on the stage...I was like, huh?! What?! Me. I'm so small...mana boleh...takuttt bah... But Ms Liling said she believe in me that I would not fail her...& I can do it all by myself...

So there I am, at Yayasan Sabah, after 2 mths, practising, the same old song keep on playing in my hands, by heart, until I can easily play the song even shutting my eyes...The Hall was filled with lots of people, my parents were there too & almost 2,000 audience were there (some were the big bosses of Technics Music School came all the way from Japan)...

When my name was called, I came out & bow to the audiences, & only God knows how crazy my head was 'spinning', rushy feeling & nervous all...I didn't start off well, I played the melody wrongly on the 1st line of the song...I realise it sooner than my reflects would, I stopped then I took a deep breath & start over...& the rest of it was history...after the song finishes, everyone applaud & I was kinda proud of myself...big smile...feels like the people appreciating our talent & our handwork of art...it was the best feeling at that so young age...

The song that I performed was titled, 'I Am A Bird'...sounds familiar? Yup, my title of this blog....& the purpose of my entry...

Today, I do some thinking at the back of my office, I look out at my office window, I saw a big bird, more like an eagle I think lah, was fyling around our office building...as I look at it, I was wondering, if I could really live free like a bird...

At times, I just feel like I wanted to fly freely..

If God gave me wings to fly,
I would have spread my wings to pick u up & set us free,
I would have flown far away lands,
Searching for a great peace of mind,

If I had wings to fly,
I would have search for the most peaceful place on earth,
Each time I breakdown,
Or each time I lift my head up high,
I just wanted to be me...

If my broken wings fallen,
I would have search for the ever told sanctuary,
Stopped there, thinking,
Will I ever be set free...

Wings to fly,
Hold my head up high,
And with a sigh,
A tear drop & I cry...

God be with me in my times of trouble, in times I need you...hope things were easy but it's not, so give me thy strength to lift up those heavy burden,at my back... Give me some signs that you're hearing my 'calls'...I just wanna be out of my neverending problems... ;'(



Fly Free

I Found The Reasons For Me...

I just got back from an impromptu trip with my fren to Cameron Highlands...

Quite tired right now but very eager to write this entry coz it's the only thing that can make me happy at the moment...lots of things happen this week which makes me think & think & think more of my dilemma here...

Reason 1 : Family - My mum & my bro had a fight last sunday, my mum cried badly that time coz of the pressure taking care of my dad, about his stubborness & his ways of complicating people around him whom are juz trying their best to make him feel comfortable, feel good & to help him in this healing process... The other day, due to his stubborness, my bro accidentally shows off his bad tempered tantrums to my mum coz he juz can't stand to hear her whining & complaining that no one is helping her to take care of my dad...But as a matter of fact, I think my bro had sacrifice lots of time & his effort to help my mum, but, everyone who knows my mum well, they'll know that she's a perfectionist...she never satisfy with anything that we do to help her...sometimes she would juz scold me & my bro back for no reason & sometimes I do think I wanna explode coz my mum always seems so unreasonable angered at us & always kills our heart with her sharp complaints to us...Since my dad diagnosed with cancer, nothing in our home sweet home feels the same again...I miss talking to my family, laughing & juz sharing with them my stories...which I love to do all the time...but now everything's different...whenever we sit at the table for dinner...my mum will prepare my dad's porridge & his meal separate from us which is fine...but whenever we sit together, we try to talk to him like normal...he always seems to hesitate to talk to us...keep quiet....it kills me really, I always wanted to cry whenever I saw his face showing his suffer...but I keep on putting a smiley face even I knew my bro feels the same... Before I went back to KL last week, I did have a small talk with my bro to take care of my dad & try to be around our mum to help her...I know I might sound selfish to ask that favour from him, but he seems to be ok...but he did mentioned that sometimes he juz can't stand my mum's whining...I told him, just be patience... But things happened differently, my mum & bro haven't talk to each other in a good way yet, but I hope they will find strength on each other to face this...coz when I heard about this thing from my mum, I really didn't know what to say to her coz...I juz feel guilty all round...The more I think about it, the more I feel tensed up on it...

Reason 2 : Friends - Well, should I say more? Everyone who knows me so well...they'd know..BFF, Office Frens, Gym Frens, Forever frens, Superb frens, Friendship never ends, My Dear Frens....WHO LABELLED ALL THIS? WHO?! I don't label my frens...everyone that are close to me...in ANY way, be it in the office, house, gym, outside bla bla bla...if these people have shown me respect, genuinely be a fren to me in my times of need, help me in my emotion & mentally stronger...they worth my time...I don't need to PLEASE fren that always always emotionally blackmail me! Keeping me feel trapped all the time... Space! Space! Space! That's all we need in our life...Get over it! I getting fed up each time I have to be the one who will always need to reassure someone...

Sometimes fren, things happens for a reason...and that reason may not be the thing you wanted to hear or wanted to know...if you wanna ask Why...then you try asking God for an answer...but only one thing I wanted to say, I juz dun wanna be bothered with your feeling anymore...you talked about your feeling all the time...you cried about all your suffering that noone understand as you claim it to be...but fren...EVERYONE have understand you...! Only you never bothered other ppl's feeling... Wake up from your whining fren!!! You wanted people to understand you & follow your stubborn head...but you dun want people whom understand you & advicing you what's best...you just refused to listen but expect people to listen to your whining & not doing anything...! Then why do u need friend for? Enough already...! My principle now is...Please Myself before Please Everyone...All I wanted is to be happy myself...be it with all the friends that you labelled for me, Grade 'A' frens, BFF, Best Buddy, High School Frens etc...or with my family or my cousins & relatives...I just dun wanna be bothered...anymore...Okay...? Coz No Matter What All that matters is learning to appreciate what you have...only when the thing has gone, u'll realise how important it is to understand values of life...mmmm...

Reason 3 : Love - A fren told me, Love is pure...an act of purity...so can I told this fren of mine, 'I love you'? Hehehehe...over kan? ;-p Well, love is one thing I really wanted to experience again in my life after so long I haven't been really in a serious relationship...I have a few dilemma conquering my mind right now especially about my feeling for him every now & then...but it seems that it is going no where, no future, no nothing...& this guy seems to be keeping himself numb about all things...Maybe he doesn't feel the same way I felt about him, I did find some ways to try show him some of my feeling for him, but I dun think it makes any impact on him, coz really, I'm still in confusion on his status...seriously...but if he really didn't feel the same about me, then it's okay...I may feel hurt...coz it's not like I never feel this feeling b4... ;-) I'll be...Better in time... I do have deep feeling about you, I fallen in love for you & I can't seem to stop this feeling so easily but I hope I will eventually...**okay, this is so girly emo kinda thingy...dunno why la...gatal is it...haha**

Reason 4 : Everything - It's just everything...! Basically I'm tired about everything...! I feel so weak but yet I am trying my best to be strong...for everything...! All I need is God's strength to pour down on me...& put more faith in God to help me to find best solution for my current issues...be it my family, friends, love etc...

Hehehehe...quite long elaboration I have there huh? Well, when my fren invited me to join her to Cameron, I didn't hesitate coz I know I always feel great being around with her...never dull... ;-) But another reason why I followed her is simple...is to clear my clustered mind & to be at ease...taking a break from d hectic non stop trouble life I have...

The trip was great! Wanna know more about Cameron stories? Will update on my next entry... ;-)



A Greater Feeling

The Best Kind of Friendship...

Have you ever feel that you have been touched by great frens that you never expect them to come your way & realise that you are just among those few whom are so lucky to have been given wonderful gift of life...? Have you ever felt that you have a friend that really make your life so full of exciting time? Be it something sad, happy, crazy, fun & just all other things you never imagine...? I have one... ;-)

You are one of the Great Kind of Friendship that I treasured the most...
I dun wanna say much here... coz sometimes what we feel inside is undescribable & no one would understand...

But all I wanna say is, sharing stories, be with your friend in their times of need & enjoy each other's company is a combination of great trait that I experience with you...

Sometimes, we don't see each other every single day & we seldom talk every single time, you have your own other circle of friends, me, well, I have my other 'small' circle of friends too...haha...it's okay...

Coz sometimes the lesser you do, the more closer I feel...coz everytime we had the chance to meet up & chit chatting, I'm not sure why but we can talk & talk & talk for hours from morning til late night til early morning...until kering tekak...ngahaha! Why is it really? I find it fascinating & I like it!

Never there be a dull moment whenever with you fren...never... ;-)

Well, You know who U are dear...
This entry is for you...short & simple... :-)
And this song is for you....

Enjoy!




You had my heart
and we'll never be world apart
Maybe in magazines
but you'll still be my star
Baby cause in the Dark
You can see shiny Cars
And that's when you need me there
With you I'll always share
Because

[CHORUS]
When the sun shines
We’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath
I'mma stick it out 'till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we still have each other
You can stand under my Umbrella
You can stand under my Umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

[VERSE 2]
These fancy things,will never come in between
You're part of my entity
Here for Infinity
When the war has took it's part
When the world has dealt it's cards
If the hand is hard
Together we'll mend your heart
Because ...

[CHORUS]
When the sun shines
We'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath
I'mma stick it out 'till the end

Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we still have each other
You can stand under my Umbrella
You can stand under my Umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

[BRIDGE]
You can run into my Arms
It's okay don't be alarmed
(Come into Me)
(There's no distance in between our love)
So Gonna let the rain pour
I'll be all you need and more
Because ...

[CHORUS]
When the sun shines
We'll shine Together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath
I'mma stick it out 'till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we still have each other
You can stand under my Umbrella
You can stand under my Umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

It's raining (raining)
Ooo baby it's raining
baby come into me
Come into me
It's raining (raining)
Ooo baby it's raining
You can always come into me
Come into me



Love this song so much...a touched of friendship value... ;-)

I definitely feel so so grateful & blessed by God for giving such wonderful friend crossing path with me...

P/S : Everyone values their friendship in their own very unique way...And me, well, this is what I do...I may brag about this & bla bla bla...so what? This is my blog! My page! My story! Turn to other's blog if you dun like it...simple.... hehehehe... ;-p

Muahhhh!



You're the Best Kind

I Believe In You...

Suddenly this song was heard... ;-p

This song capture some great & sweet memories for some...time passes, world changes & people gone separate path....friends before, none after...but one thing wouldn't vanish & disappear...the memories of great times...

Babe, it doesn't matter how u feel, or other people thought...all I know there some whom are genuine & sincerely treat u as someone dear to their hearts...you weren't around anymore & things never & won't ever be the same again...but they remembered you...I know they are...

This song is about believing in one self... and I believe in you... ;-)
Fulfill great things in life...& be happy...do things that satisfy you with no regrets at heart...
Luv ya babe! ;-)




I Bellieve In You

Lonely the path you have chosen
A restless road, no turning back
One day you will find your light again
Don't you know
Don't let go be strong

Follow your heart
Let your love lead through the darkness
Back to a place you once knew

I believe I believe I believe in you

Follow your dreams
Be yourself an angel of kindness
There's nothing that you cannot do

I believe I believe I believe in you

Tout seul tu t'en iras tout seul
Coeur ouvert à l'univers
Poursuis ta quête
Sans regarder derrière
N'attends pas
Que le jour se lève

Suis ton étoile
Vas jusqu'où ton rêve t'emporte
Un jour tu le toucheras

Si tu crois Si tu crois Si tu crois en toi
Suis ta lumière
N'éteins pas la flamme que tu portes
Au fond de toi souviens toi

Que je crois Que je crois Que je crois en toi

Someday I'll find you
Someday you'll find me too
And when I hold you close
I know that it's true

Follow your heart
Let your love lead through the darkness
Back to a place you once knew

I believe I believe I believe in you
Follow your dreams
Be yourself an angel of kindness
There's nothing that you cannot do

I believe I believe I believe in you

When 'Pancit'...Urrgghh...

Last nite, I went to gym after a week break for CNY...well, I really can't believe that I have such dreadful one hour BJ workout...and I was really exhausted even during before 1st cardio block started...damn! it's really frustrating coz I can feel I'm breatheless, dizzy & totally drained out! I never feel that way! Urgghhh! Really dissapointed at myself!

Even Zaza ask me if I'm ok...huhu...did she juz saw me struggling...? But I just keep it up...I dun wanna give up...one class? please la Cilla, last time u join 3 classes okey? Why r u doing this? ~ ceh, pembakar semangat utk diri sendiri lah konon ni..~

Let me recap of what I did during CNY break;

Most of d time at home, I didn't do much...house chores, not so much, coz not so much things to do...besides my mum have donee all the chores already...I woke up as early as 7am everyday...with good intention to help my mum out with things to do at home, but well, my mum is like a soldier already...she work up as early as 6am, her normal wake up time...and she will start to clean the house, sweeping, preparing my dad healthy food (usually two pieces of bread with coffee), emptying my dad's colon bag of his 'waste'...which this part have to be every 3 hours (except when sleeping lah)...by the time I woke up, everything were done already...so I dun have to do anything lah...only thing is, I breakfast, but, not heavy pun...it's only Milo & plain crackers...sad but it's a good food kan? No fats or high calorie food there...

When it comes to afternoon, I followed my mum bring my dad to the hospital for his regular dressing & check up...afterwards, normal la, we go for lunch, but usually we tapau & bring home, mix rice as usual...and my dad with his porridge & soft food...no fats build up juga...right?

Comes to night time, I think this is the part I think is the beginning of the worst to come...usually night time my mum don't usually eat, but since she cook lots of porridge, she will eat together with my dad, but left me & my bro with only her 'healthy food'...so my bro, the hero, will suggest we dine out or tapau bring home...now, in KK, its difficult to find food especially during CNY holiday coz most of the shops closed for one week...so where to go ppl??? even malay stall pun close okey...? In kk, we are harmony...one celebration ja, the whole entire Sabahans will celebrate...hahaha! So, where should we go when times like this? What shop opens even during holidays? What else? Fast food lah the answer!!! Huhuhuhu... during CNY, I went to my uncle's house for CNY celebration okey lah right? But every night falls, me & my bro will hunt for fast food lah...but since both of us bored with KFC already...we go for different thing which is...Burger King! DAMN...! Last time, burger is my fav food...especially weekends, I love to junk myself with burger king...so there we are, ordering my favourite, French Chicken Meal Large! And if we don't go there, we would go to McD ordering my fav for this moment, Double Prosperity Chicken Burger...or if we don't go out for fast food, if we are lucky, we could find 'expensive' chinese stall open, and my bro will just order a large dish...his fav, Sweet & Sour Pork...and we tapau & will just pig out....

Come to think of it...yeah...it's my fault really...for pigging out with all sort of fast food especially burgers...hmmm...no wonder lah pancit like mad kan? if at hometown, the word exercise is only in words & not practical...One week punya holiday sudah mcm ni, if I took more, I dunno what will happen to me...but it's really a waste la...working out so hard at gym & pig out like mad bila cuti...hmmm...need to change lah...but malas!!! Hahahahah... ;-p

So conlusion is, there is no other reason of my feeling that type of exhausion it's my own fault kan really...so...another era begins...I need to do more workout la...since I promise myself, & my bride to be friend that I will lose weight....hopefully...

Another target lah this... :) Anyways...will keep updating my story again...whether I will lose it or gain it... hahaha! Cheers ppl...!

One advice : If you really want to lose weight, dun pig out too much...!


Flat Tyre

Separation Never Easy...

Since last December, I have gone back to KK for 3 times already...

Now, as time passes, it's getting more difficult to be apart from my family...everytime they send me to the airport, I still can stay calm, but as soon as I board the plane, I will start to cry & cry & cry...so bad...I keep promising myself that I will fulfill my parents wish that I will be moving back to KK permanently this year...so I am prepared now I think...

I know I'm gonna miss KL terribly especially my dear dear dearest frens there...even at this moment I miss them so much...or even when they are around...I still miss them...is it something wrong with me...? But I think when I moved back to KK, I will make at least 4 times trip to KL for shopping & meeting my frensss....right?

As I grew older, I find that separation never easy...when we were young, we always know how to meet new ppl & adapt to changes...but when we were old, we always wanna stick by to our comfort zone...my comfort zone would be being around with the ppl that I love...KL frens & family...or KK frenss & family... both also makes me happy...That's the problem start, when you were too attached to ppl, it will more difficult...but I hope all ties we have will never be broken... coz I love them all...



Separation

It's All Coming Back To Me Now...

Have you ever felt that sometimes we were given a second chance by God? Well, after a series of unfortunate events happens to me, I believe so...I really believe on that...

U wanna know why? I got to spend some precious times with my girlfriends from my high school yrs in SFC for the last 2 days...it maybe just a short meet up to discuss on Che che's bridal shower & wedding...but the meeting definitely bring back old memories of our best times in high school...haha! It was so damn wicked...! We really enjoyed our times together & things we been thru during high school just the greatest...! We laugh & laughed & laughed our heads off remembering back our times back in school...& funny thing is...I thought that I might feel abit awkward after haven't seen them all almost 5 yrs...but...magically, I easily can blend with them comfortably... :) Feel like it's where I belong... hehehehe... I feel so lucky to be able to hangout with them after all the neglection & ignorant that I did...that was a chance for me...to be with them again...


We talked about Che2 Grand Wedding & her much awaited shower in November...and Che2 have this rules that I have to be at least a size 7 to attend her bridal shower...!

Haha...she said that I haven't changed abit...apart from my hair, my manners (like I dun have any manners last time haha... ;) ) & more feminine...she's talking about my body lah off course..! No change...apa pula no change?! Like I already work hard enough @ d gym...but I know lah my food intake haven't changed so much...but I am workin on it...! Terpaksa lah...for che2's sake...













Pics taken : everywhere flashes is allowed! haha! Arriva, Salim's, Pan Pac, Escalators, Jalan Raya...etc...(we don't look as natural as Ferrari but I'll bet the Sepilok Orang Utans can...photogenic...! ;-p)

Here are some of the candid pics her sister took whilst we discussing abt her wedding theme, shower, place, etc....






















Picture : Che2 (Bride to be) & Fharini aka Gendut or now best known as Ferrari (wedding planner lah kira ni)...I think Che2 's wedding will be a grand one... kan Che? haha! ;-)





Here is one of my close fren in high school too...Sue (suggested some wedding packages to Che2)


Need to workout at least 3 hrs in d gym? Not in enough kah my Body Jamming? Hehe..my BJ class that I love?? Well, That was Che2's instruction...Ya... 3 hrs lazying in the gym what I do best kan? hahaha... ! ;-p whatever it is, I do need something to push me to change...

We all need some sort of motivation to workout & target to achieve...my target now is to fit in to size 7 dress... As Che2 planning for a white bridal shower theme...I must look good in white lah then...

So now I'm wondering, what to do next? What to do first? Maybe I could start slowly in terms of food, then slowly increase my quality workout in the gym...right? Hmmm....hopefully it's gonna be a success...

But, I need 'someone' to help me...I really want one!!! Heeelllppp!!! A gorgeous guy perhaps...? huhuhuhuhu...I want a sugar candy..!! For my eye workout! Hehehehe...Niceeeee one... Ahaks! ;-p Someone like him maybe....? Hmmmmm.....




Memories

All I Know...I Should Be Happy...

There are quite a few events that happen to me recently...

For Valentine's Day, I got double celebration...I received a bouquet of Blue Roses sent to my office & that was the first time ever I received something unexpectedly....

That person may not be someone special like a lover but it does make me feel so so so happy & excited...it's something that makes me realize that it doesn't have to be someone you truly love but even some perfect stranger too could make your day more brighter...by doing such lovely gesture...that person may not be totally a stranger but still it was a touching effort...

Besides the Roses, I have a lovely Valentine Lunch date @ Chakri Palace, Royal Thai Fine Cuisine at KLCC...it was definitely a great lunch...he was adorable...haha! I consider him as a good friend to me...decent guy I'd say...he could make the date so magical for me...a clean date mind you... ;-)

Whatever it is, this week was a fine week for me...a fren of mine had a fight with me, but it wasn't supposed to be a big issue, it was about a guy basically...just stupid for girls to be fighting bcoz of a guy...but luckily we kiss & make up already...& she's was really sweet to have done that for me...makes me all so teary...I wanted to cry...God really I am grateful for having her in my life! ;-)

I hangout with another good fren of mine, chit-chatting about ourselves, current events & dilemma, sharing is what we do best... haha... I always say this & I'm gonna say it again...I always always always have great times whenever I'm with that fren...You really make me happy too dear! I feel great...**Ya lah...I'm obsessed kan...hahahahaha! Funny...but I don't care...coz you always have your own unique ways in making me laugh, cheered up, happy & guide me in my crazy life...only great frens can laugh & share tears at the same time...right? You know you can share with me anything dear... ;-)

Life are pretty good for me, despite my Dad's condition, I know my family & I will always pray for his speedy recovery & we will help him regain his strength & motivate him to be strong again...met a guy that able to show me how I could have the chance to be loved by someone...& how a guy can see through my heart & accept me for who I am inside...though he may not end up or destined to be with me, but definitely he make me realise that I am worthy to be loved...having just incredibly sweet & so supportive loving frens around me...it's undescribable...

I'm in KK, at my hometown at the moment, I am happy here...being with my family, missing all my great frens in KL & best of all, I feel good about myself...

Happy Valentine's Day...spread ur love to everyone as all of us deserved to be loved....

;-)



Loved

I Want To Know What Love Is...

Hmmm....I post quite a lot of entry today...hehe especially for this Valentine's Day special...

Love...I think its something really great... But it can also hurt so much....
Well, you won't know if it is Love until it hurts...Love is something you felt in your heart...

I've known some fren of mine that is too afraid to be involve in Love...it's not a bad thing...they just don't want to make themselves in a vulnerable state...I understand that feeling...

Well, in my opinion, u just have to learn to at least try...open up your heart to ppl...who knows along the way, you might captured someone's heart...

Wish all singles out there to be able to meet their other half... ;-)
This day is a celebration of Love... enjoy this song...this is quite an old song but Mariah Carey have lighten up this song to a modern style but I prefer the old version...so enjoy this ya?

I'm also hoping to get the 'spark'...but my sexy cupid haven't found me anybody yet...haha!
Whatever it is, I leave it up to faith...

I Want To Know What Love Is...



I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I'm older
Aaaah woah-ah-aah
Now this mountain
I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
And through the clouds
I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder
In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
Aaaah woah-oh-ooh
I'm gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me, oooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh oooh

I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me
In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
I can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
And I wanna feel, I want to feel what love is
And I know, I know you can show me

Let's talk about love(I wanna know what love is)
the love that you feel inside(I want you to show me)
I'm feeling so much love(I wanna feel what love is)
no, you just cannot hide(I know you can show me)
yeah, woah-oh-ooh

I wanna know what love is, let's talk about love(I want you to show me)
I wanna feel it too(I wanna feel what love is)
I wanna feel it too
And I know, and I know,
I know you can show me
Show me what is real, woah (woah),
yeah I know(I wanna know what love is)
hey I wanna know what love(I want you to show me),
I wanna know, I wanna know,
want know(I wanna feel what love is),
hey I wanna feel, love
I know you can show me, yeah



Well...ermm..What about you baby...?
Can you show it to me..coz I want to know what love is...from you... ;-)