Lucky Charm...?

It's been a rollercoaster week...



With things sometimes hot...and suddenly cold...and some other times...nothing! Hehehe...

Well...Friday is always be a best day for everyone...
For me, this friday start quite a very sad one...
Early morning, my close friend went back to KK alone...
And I was left all alone in the house...yes...
This was supposed to be a secret..and should't be that important... :)

But we never left each other side...
So, this is gonna be the second time we're not hanging out together...
Quite sad in the morning...yeah...but I know from her face she was so looking forward for going back to KK...to meet her special someone (just started the relationship)...
and celebrating her birthday...

Me and my friend had bought her pressie and gave it to her b4 she went back...
Early pressie... :)

Morning I start my day quite intense as I went to the office so early around 8am...start my work validating datas, extractions etc...my boss constantly calls my extension checking on the progress that I felt so annoyed like crazy... some more with receiving some hurtful smses from my friend and with my colleagues were keep on asking me...why my friend went back hometown without me (one reason of this question was ppl suprised that we went our separate ways lah sort of..and ppl just so busybody lah I think...puasa time..*puasa also from gossiping plz* hehehe)...

With all those things happening to me in one short afternoon...I was really so tense up, I could not eat or drink, and I felt like screaming and crying all afternoon...been listening to my Ipod frequently during lunch now...listening to someone's fav. 'I Believe in You' - Il Divo and Celine Dion... somehow that song really helping me... :)

Evening came, and my boss again constantly calling my extension, pressuring me to meet the deadline...like I said..., 'I heard you the first time boss..!' I'm not deaf!...Really annoys me...uurrgghh! After constant call 4 - 5 times on my extension... suddenly my boss came to my place and ask me to meet her in her office...I rolled my eyes... gave her my lousiest and bitter face and walked to her room...

She ask me to sit down...I was already pissed of with her like crazy...I started to complain... "What do you want again..? I already send listing to them...all the urgent checking pass to them already...validation finish...already done...u keep on calling me and I already update u everything, and I finish it up already lah...! U keep on calling me how am I going to finish my other work..?'

She was half smiling half serious...she said, ' Okay, actually I want to give you this..' handed me a letter...'This is a warning letter due to ur behaviour towards me..Open it...' and she smiled...

My first thought was...I smiled in my heart... cos I know the content of the letter as she already informed me last time...and things after that was history...

I get the letter! The Official Letter already!! I was so ecstatic...no words can say... I know it's just a little bit higher ranking...but to me.. 5 yrs work paid off..mmm...just be grateful... :)

I thank God for the unexpected really...With all the tense I've been through this couple of weeks...with this letter had enough to keep my spirit high... and God way to tell me that my life just started to begin....I feel blessed really... so blessed...All juz God's Special Plans for me...

And I am starting to wonder...with new project given to me, with new task given to me, and with the feel of new life expanding my mind really...

The works of God...and perhaps someone seems to be a 'Lucky Charm' for me? I dunno really why I think of that coz...I think I have been lucky this few days...I really believe this friend of mine a Lucky Charm...hehe... superstitious sangat... :)

Whatever it is, I can feel my life is changing now...hopefully for the better...
And I won't shut any doors of opportunity... :)

Well, I still think that someone is a Lucky Charm...strongly feel that...


I Feel So Blessed

The Man He Had Become...

Just now, I had dinner with my little bro and a friend @ Tony Roma's...

The dinner was fantastic, completely satisfying and wonderful...we had a nice chat and laugh about my colleagues whom mostly wanted to see my bro's face whether he looks like me...haha!

My bro doesn't like to pose for a pic alone, so I snap a pic with him la...(later will upload the pic)... I enjoy and miss his company...well, we only had each other in the family...(dua je adik-beradik)...So our bond is different and more stronger....

We always share stories and always making fun of people (that's our uniqueness we shared haha!)....Owww... and one more thing, we had one thing in common which is; we don't SHARE food!!! Coz what is mine is mine...but what yours is mine too...! hahhaha...

I told him abt a story the time where I got angry to one of my colleague for eating 2 of my wantans!!! Hahahahha.... I'll tell the story later yer... Funny funny funny!!!

Anyways, after dinner we stop at McD as my bro's friends were asking him to tapau for supper... and before we parted ways as he was going to the KTM...

He handed my something...I was touched by that gesture he make...
Suddenly I felt proud of him...
Proud seeing him to be the man he had become...
He take care of our parents, he was there when my father had a minor strok.....
He was there whenever my parents wants to go somewhere...
Mostly he was there when my family needed him...
I was quite emo when he gave me something...he gave me that smile...
and I know he will always be little brother that I really love the most...he understands me... :)

Though he love to make fun of me.. hahahah.... but I like it...!
Whatever it is, when I saw him today, I felt so close to my family already...
I pray for his carrer, money and happiness...


Cilla

What Comes Between Friendship

Someone told me a very sad truth for me the other day...

She said when two best friends are closely attached to each other, one thing that could come between them is only one thing...when a guy came in one of the girl's life...



It's sad but true though...



Cos I think...

After all these years,

Why we could never settle the problem of keeping and maintain good friendship but at the same time having a new guy comes in ur life like a flash...just out of nowhere and I never see it coming...



People say that love comes in mysterious ways...

Well....true...but sometimes...

Depends on ur situations...

Different situation, different things...



Sometimes I hated it when she never ever listens...

To any of my advices...

I think for my entire life with her...

she never listen and do whatever she wanted to do though the thing that she did is all damn wrong weird and stupid...



We listen with our heart...

But she listen with her brain...



And when things end up badly...

She will always constantly blaming it on me...

For all the bad things that comes...



I have seen her through her lowest darkest time...

I have seen her through some happiness she once have...



I always to God that, this troubled friend of mine will find her way...

Without me as her guidance...

But from her ownself...



Coz nobody can help her...

Only she must realise it on her own...



I wish she'd never do stupid things...

But she had tones of history doing dumbest thing that we could ever imagine...

And I was there...

Watching her...

Crying on her sorrows...

Crying on her pains...



When ppl make fun of her...

When a guy hurt her...

When her family broken...

When her financial collapse...



I was there...

Standing there...

To pick her up...and promise her that everything is okay...



Never be a time that I ever left her alone crying in her misery...



I can never be that strong...

To me...my job is not end yet with her...



I still need to be there for her all the time...

But tones of people *slap me on the face* fact saying that...



Cilla, it's all over...!

You can't help her...

No one can...

She just never listen...

She listen to things she wanted to hear...

She won't listen to things that hurt her...

She's persistent to get what she wants...

And she always jumps too fast in everything...

To get anything that she wants or desire...



Maybe I'll put the blame on me...



No one knows...but I know my sacrifices for her...



I hope it's worth it...



I never ask anything in return...but friend...just remember to turn back and see your friend here is always there for you... if you want her to be there...



But I don't think that I am needed in her life at the moment...

I guess I also don't to look back too...



Just turn and moved up... and see my future instead...



I wanted to go back to KK...really do... permanently...

But I treasured some new found friendship here with me... :)

I was glad that I have a positive friendship that could lift my spirit up...



Maybe I should care abt people who care abt my feelings rather than a friend that accused me for not being a good friend to her...



To the new found friendship...thanks for everything...

It mean a lot to me...



From now on... listen to my heart to what I need...

Not to what other's need... :)





Gotta keep moving on,

Cilla

Away and away and away weekend....!

Last weekend I spend my days at my friend's place...

This weekend...
Supposedly I planned something wicked for my best friend bday bash...
but it happens out...its not gonna be happening...

Lots of things happen lately...
At times it was good...
At times it was bad...
My friend is going back...

Sadly I have to accept indeed yet again another hurtful fact...
For what it's worth...
Maybe I wasn't the friend that she hoped for to be...

Well, I thought I knew... :)

Because of that...
I'm quite free this weekend...
Planned to go back with no money... cannot...my parents will be devastated....
I have troubled my parents lately...
makes me feel as guilty as hell...!

I'm not a good daughter to them... I never be!
They were so great great an awesome cool parents...I love them alots!
I pray for God to shower them with kindness and love... :)

I promise them I'll be back to KK... :)

Anyways,

Maybe I am going away myself this weekend afterall....
Haha...place? not sure yet...it's secret place ....

Fun...!

Hope it will be a fantastic one...!!!!

Will update again u guys...okeh?

Chiao,
Cilla

Eye Opener Therapy...

Last weekend was abit challenging week for me...

There are some things of uneasiness happened at my house...and I was forced to stay at a friend of mine's house somewhere in Selangor... :)

For that 2 days,

I have followed my friend to hang out & berbuka puasa...
I felt very different really...

After staying quite some years in KL,
The only time when I really have spend time from other person besides my roommate,
Was during office activities...
That was the only time...

and what I experience in that 2 days was...
I realise that I have grown to be a different person that I am now,

I became too protective, super too nice, and develop one kind of sensitivity...
When there is a certain person in my life, which so close to me...
Have said to me that I am not supporting her to moved on with her life...

I been thinking all these yrs what have I done wrong...?
Where did I done wrong...?
For u who knows me...u will know who....

I have been sacrificing my life...
Stop my life...
Stop my chance of going elsewhere for study...
Whole lot...

And she condemning me that I didn't support her abt the new guy she just start her relation with...

To cut long story short,

I have concluded that I want a new life......

I dun wanna know anything abt u anymore...
I want to have my own thing...
I dun wanna be stuck anymore...
I wanna be freeeee!!!!

Go Cilla! Go for ur dream!!! Be happy.... !!!

Again...

Again why...
I dunno know why...
Feeling this way...
I should already choose
But I am still here thinking why
I continue thinking this way...
I dun like wat I feel right now
I dun like wat I am thinking
I hate the part where I should've moved on but I don't...
And I hate it...
That I am still care and too protective of you all the time...
People told me that I juz need to learn to open up & be what I wanted to be...
Learn to accept people wanted to do thing on their own...
It's quite difficult but I am trying my outmost best in facing this...
Coz if i never start now, I will lose my own future,
I am going to made up my mind
This going to be the changing era for me ...
I'll pray that I'm gonna moved on

God help me to get thru this
I wanted to have other circle of friends
So that I will never gonna be alone...

Never walk alone...

Dear God, help me to be strong...and to accept things and let other things go...
I need ur strength...

So that I have the greatness in me to help myself go through this...

Cilla

Amazing Week!

After having a quite number of events that did make my mood upside down last week, I managed to lift my head up, didn't look back and smile..
And this was an amazing week for me...

I went for 4 days consecutive workout..and amazingly it was great! I feel great...! I will try to do it again...Definitely will!

My bodyache so so badly esp when I try the Pump...at first I didn't feel tired...but the aftermath only happens after 2 days..and now its excruciatingly painfull!! I mean it! Very painful even during I sleep...but no pain, no gain huh! :)

Fats are burning, calories are burning too.... :)

Workout with great gym friends to support you is an amazing feeling...they don't have to act like they care, its enough that they guide you on the right way of exercising is enough to fire up my determination to succeed....

Furthermore, besides from working out, I have so called 'open talk' with a friend abt things that happens lately...it has been so long I was dreading to talk to this friend of mine, and it was a huge relief to be able to talk abt it...

I come to a conclusion...
Well, juz throw it out... and come start living a new life!
We don't brag to move on our life...we don't explain that we moved on....

we JUST DO IT!

Only time will tell that we start moving on with other great priority in our lives...
Just don't bother...some ppl juz don't have other passion in their boring little own fantasy world... :)

ppl said...'makin dilayan, makin melampau...' so let other ppl be whatever they want to be, say whatever they wanna say, spreading all kinds of unnecessary things...

Just look back to them and say....' Thank you...' and give them a smile.... :) snap ur finger and walk out...!

Isn't that what we call a Simple Life?

This week was definitely a miracle week...I feel happy..! I feel great!

I think it was mainly bcoz of the intense workout the whole week and the great conversation I had with that friend...

I'm gald we talked openly abt all things...it was nice to have that...appreciated it alot... Hope that was not the last one... :)
*Telan emosi...tgh tahan nieh*...huhu


Emo Week,
Cilla

Haunted by Ghosts of My Lovers Past...

This morning...I wake up so early thought of going to church in the morning, but, somehow I feel the weather was so hot and make me so lazy to get up and get ready for church..so I went for evening mass la hehe...

Instead, I book ticket to see Ghost of Girlfriend's Past starred by Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Garner...I went with my friend and it was suprisingly interesting...

The storyline and all maybe lame for some ppl, I did feel the same way but still the truth is, in our normal life, we do meet this kind of guys, who just love to break a woman's heart, maybe not in purpose..but they did. In that movie, what captured my heart the most that makes me teared up from the first ten minutes of the movie until the end, was simply bcos all the things that Connor (Matthew's character) said and did...I have previously experienced on that type of guy before in my life, and it did give an enormous impact in me...it was with the guy I mentioned in my prev post, "The Smile"...


The last time I cried in a movie was Harry Potter - Half Blood Prince (well that's a different story la..hehe), but I never easily cry in love story...This movie is not the same old sappy love story but it's abt a guy who have been a jerk whole time, wanted to have a 2nd chance to be with the love of his life...it was moving and romantic...


Any girl would wish to be on that place, where, you have a man in your life, wanted to have a chance and taking the risk with you and that can love you truly, madly and deeply...he promise you to wake up every single morning, you will find him lying next to you...spooning with you...love that... :)


I dunno why but I have been thinking alot abt my past this few days...mostly my love life, esp now I'm doing my entry abt my prev guy that have been in and out of my life few times...but when I wrote abt him, it kinda make me realize that, we all need companion in our life...some might say, our other half, or our soulmate, a lover, or a "prince"...

We may not have it now...we strongly say that we don't need it now...but deep inside my heart I really hope there will be magic out there that could give sparkle of love to me... I hope so...

And for all my single ladies out there...I pray for you to find yours too...

Just don't push it...everything will be plan for you from up Above... :)





Single Lady

Tiring but funtastic day! And She was Fine...

Today I went out with my friend...

Having the best time of our life...

Sing our heart out, watched Yo Joe! hehe...Shop for some things...Dine out...It was fun...Amazingly, we enjoyed ourselves...Though it's just us...My plan was to ease her tense abt all mess caused...But I dun think she was that tense...

She looks interestingly glowing...Haha, no reason in particular...But I now that deep down...She's happy that her priority and focused will change soon...She won't frown or tense abt old things anymore...She will move on...I thought she needed help...But she was fine...I looked at her and I'm glad...She changed somehow...I dunno what but I can feel it...She's gonna move forward...She won't be easily bothered anymore...Maybe cos she didn't know the real deal like I did but I PRAY that she will be less uptight abt things! Really hoping for that! As for me,I was trying not to think much, the sacrifice that I did, the absence of some ppl, I feel kinda alone though, but I think I can handle my feeling...I wasn't that important after all...

All this while I hid it very well, so I just need to train myself avoid thinking of these things...IT'S HARD!!Bcos I am avoiding something that I just started to enjoy...



But gotta be strong...!



Ma' friend

The Smile - Part II

As I mentioned in my prev post " The Smile",



I talked abt a guy named 'A' that came to my life, I remember the first time he talked to me at our college lobby, I was sitting alone and suddenly he came up to me and sat next to me. He said 'Hi'...then he ask me abt our class, the subject we were teach that time and he ask me abt me...he said he noticed that I am very quiet to him and never approach to talk to him..

In my mind, I was like, for what I wanted to talk to you at the first place? Do you think I have the confidence to talk to a very smart looking, handsome, famous guy like u? Haha...that's what I thought...

In our class there was only abt 10 to 12 guys during my diploma time, where I first met him. He was quite famous in our college, good looking, and he always hangs out with mostly his malay girlfriends, which I think most of them had hidden feelings for him...but that was when I took my certificate in Business...we never talked...only when he took Diploma with us, that's where we officially met...

I am very close with my guy friends in my Certificate year (that time our class only have 4 guys okay...so no choice there haha)



After which I continue my Diploma, I still very much attached with that 4 of my guy friends but never wanted to be near with the other guys in class. I am a shy person, the other 4 guys have known to me for quite some time...so adapting to new guys in my class, I didn't even think abt..Well, that's bcos I have 2 crushes out of my 4 close guy friends...haha sneaky kan?

I always hang out and go out with them...I was a bit of a tomboy that time, after class esp on Saturday we would hang out at Arcade game shop, jalan2, lepak2 together...come to think of it, that was crazy...! But I really enjoy go out with them...another extra reason was bcos of my crushs were there...hihi :P

Okay...back to "A", while he was talking to me at our college lobby (the first time he approached me), he ask for my telephone number (huhu..that time only so called 'rich' student will have a handphone okay...? So me and him are the so called 'rich student lah haha)

We talked quite alot that time, I dunno but, I had a feeling of ease when I talk to him, he was pleasant,and quite decent...it change my perception towards him that time...

Everyone said he's a quite a player...but why among all the beautiful girls in our college (and I mean it...there was alot!), he choose to hang out with me, d big fat ugly bitch, and I was a tomboy u know! Un believable...!

Anyhow, he recall that he said, if we have time, we should hang out together...I felt so so lucky and I think that I can almost fly high that time...hahaha...! But honestly, I didn't even had ANY crush on him that time, it's just that I was pleased when a guy that famous, that handsome, abit of a player, and lots of other beautiful girlfriends, wants to hang out with me??!! Gosh...

For me, the pathetic fat tomboy girl with lots of pimples that time, haha, to be honest, I never think that he is genuinely wanted to be friends with me... In my defence that time, I assume that he was only trying to be close with me, bcos his other guy friends were very close to me...and I dun feel anything for him, just accept his friendly manner to offer his friendship with me... I just take it with open heart... :)

But again...It all change...when one day he offered to drive me home and we were somehow 'connected'...

To be continued...

Wondering Why

I'm sitting here in front of my laptop,
gazing through the pictures that we have mend...

So powerful it is during the time...

Eventhough we cast ourselves away from you
Run and hide but still we found you
And eventually we managed to be friend in truth...

Didn't know that it was like a timebomb...

Just waiting to explode...
With just one strike,
The trust is gone,

Wondering why is this happening...
Thought everything supposed to be okay...

But the pressure of pushing it apart
And WOM from others

Make us grow weaker...


U wonder who were lying...
U dunno whom to trust...
U wanted to back off...
And lead ur life...

Get fed up of the tiring dilemma...


So here, give them their victory to celebrate,

this is farewell...


And where does it leave us?
Stood up in the middle...
as if there were never a journey we were on together...


Oh God, enough of the circle and rounds of confusion...


Confuse on what's the best for you...
So let us be ur guide then...
To ease you...

We are walking away...
So far away...
We help ourselves to walk out from here...
From the mess that caused...
Won't burden u ever...


U won't realize it...
We lead our normal life again...
As if nothing together that we gain...
So no need to think that much again...


The tears we shared have been shed many times...
I saw the sadness thats in your eyes
Stand tough to some eyes

U grown matured in a way
U well hid it
So u were strong
Holding on to ur guard
To accept things though it's hard...


Here we are
Cried in silence
To tackle the mean, hot & cold...
This must be the final end


Stronger person to realize it
and to end with it...


Some serious issue here that can never be settle...


Come close the chapter...

Lets be friends...
By being a stranger...


Let suffer gone be bygone...

Shower them satisfaction that they long for...


In the end,
I'm sitting here all alone...
None to share with but in blog I post...


Telling a story for once fortold
wondering why is it goes on and on...
Simple things gone terribly wrong...





Make me wonder

Boring? Or Fascinating? What Am I? The Other Side of Me…

Hey…


A friend of mine told me, that my blog quite boring…huhuhu…
That was kind of interesting, since this is my page,
I think I have the right to decide on how or what are the things that I want to say or do with my page…


but I won’t blame her…Thanks for ur feedback…
I like that people give their opinion… : P
The thing about my blog, basically,
I wanted to give people something they can ponder upon…why?


Here goes…
I am a watcher and an observer my entire life
Coz ONLY people who knows me very well, will know the actual me…
I always analyze people around me…
In that way I will get to know them, not by talking to them,
but by their body language, their reactions,
their hidden emotions when I look them in the eyes (something I think I am gifted of…huhu * perasan *)
And when they ask about my opinion or my advice abt their life or problems…
They will feel uneasy…why?
U tell me…
Yes, I am a quiet person…
I’m not that type that is opinionated or aggressive or happy go lucky person to people I barely know…
But, I once that ‘type’ before…now I have changed I think…
As years go by with lots of things happen,
I always kept my mouth shut to people that I’m not comfortable with…
But if I started my groove…
I will be as talkative as anyone can be…
I will not stop talking, making fun of people, making fool of myself or
Do funny things to make people happy,
I am a child at heart,
I can never really grow up,
People look at me as if I am still a teenager,
But on the other side…despite me acting like a teenager or being an observer to people around me,
I have my serious side…
And this is the purpose of my blog,
For people to see my other side of my life…
I wanted to say things that I’m unable to say in my real world,
I shared my opinion in my virtual world instead,
It maybe general, some might say,
It maybe lame or ‘skema’, some might say,
Too political, some might say,
Too miss goody two shoes, some might say,
Bitching up, haha some might say too,
But this is me…

Quite a ‘boring’ person in this virtual world,
The serious side of me,

To be honest,
if you have your own blog,
Would you share your ‘dirty little secret’,
Or share your ‘controversial’ affairs,
Or share your ‘skeleton in your closet’,

And publish it for the whole world to see?
And making fun of you...? Talks abt you...?
Use it as their weapon to attack ur vulnerability...?
I learn my lesson from a friend...

Hahaha…just my views…
Don’t take it seriously okay people…
Well…
Eventually,
I will share my views or my experiences
When I’m ready…

But for now…
This is what I want to share with my friends and family…
The serious side of me…


Peace Y'all,
Cilla

The Smile

My friend was texting on the phone the other day with a new guy friend…
I was gazing at her and she have the smile, sincere smile.
And not to mention…sincere gatal face on her…Funny...
but it was a relief to see her that way…
it has been so long since I last saw that type of smile on her face…glowing smile…

I suddenly remininsce back my memories during where, the last time I have that smile on me…
It’s gotta be with A…
I dunno whether I could consider him as an old flame but…we did have our moments there…
He was a completely head over heels charmer…good looking, manly body…woohhoo..! And I was just a dreamer to be even near him and talk to him…

And you know what? He approached me first...

It all started when he approached me to join his band...Alternative band...
To sing with him in the band...during prom...

End of episode 1 - to be continued

If I only see…that the joke was on her…

Something I learned recently…
She seems to be the joke of the day…
Wasn’t quite sure what happen there…
And found out that way…
She just didn’t aware…
Do I have to tell her?
Nooo...I fake a smile and talk with her…
As if I never know the real matter...
Well…I shouldn’t even bother…
And that’s what I told her…
Nothing really matter….
As long as I am here…
Your side I’ll always stand near…
Losing friends…don’t ever wonder…
Coz you will always have me and you’re safe here…


I’ll just let her be…
Whatever she wanted to be..


But do change for the better…
With you there goes my prayer…


I pray for your happiness…
I pray for your freedom…


May God Bless You with wonderful things in life…
And treat bad experiences as blessings in disguise...
You don’t have to think much…
Coz eventually all may fade away in time…



Your Guardian

Most memorable and sweetest…It was the last trip…

An act of spontaneous, it was a great feeling and good vibe…
It was a trip that never to be forget…
It was nice…
Just us…
It was all come down to one purpose…
To be able to wonder far away…
And just us…
Impromptu just to be able to get our heads back up…
And to forget all…
The places we go…sacred…
Different places…
The things we have said and shared…and cried…
Though it’s just us…
It was calming…
It wasn’t that happening…
But it was somehow healing…
It was the best…
Just for us though…
Only us…
And God knows…
But didn’t see it coming…
It was the last trip and ends the journey that we thought was supposed to be the beginning…


-A friend’s message-

Stop Right Now!

I was not completely myself today… I don’t know why…
I feel like so fed up, so exhausted but somehow I managed to get out of bed though it was already abt 6.35am (usually get up around 6am) and go on with my daily routine of work and all. But my mind completely wonder off to far far away universe…

I don’t know what actually bothering my mind…
Maybe I’m worried abt something…well as a matter of fact, I do think abt things which I shouldn’t be bothered…

How to begin? Where do I begin?
Gosh… I really can’t explain it…
My eyes starts watery at this very moment…Cos I am sadden by all things that have been said…

She was my friend…
A dear friend…
She had just started to move one with her life…back to normal…

But why does this 'mean creature' always find ways to crawl back to her and haunts her life?
Not enough with that…
Others word by word came showering like shattered glass and insulting words came pouring down like mad…to make her bleed in and out…

And what am I supposed to do? Stand there and do nothing?
I should help her but how?

But...she was moving on…didn’t even look back in anger…
It was just supposed to be an old post and old story that supposed to exist only in your old worst nightmare…

It was supposed to be fine…supposed to be okay…
But no no no …the old post backfires and in the end hurting her again…
I had enough….really enough…!

I wanted them to stop it already! Stop saying those words! Stop laughing! Stop joking! Stop ur drama! Your point have already been well said during ur first 'virus outbreak..!'

Mr ‘No balls expired product’ sissy little mean ‘girl’… !


My expression

Love Perhaps

Last Saturday, I went to Church with my family, as I entered the Church, I noticed someone, a familiar face, it was my-ex, A with his wife, carrying a baby…

It was nice to see him again… I smile at him, but didn’t approach him… I think I haven’t seen him for more than 10 years… was it that long? Our so called puppy love was back during my high school years, we met in Confirmation class…

Has it been that long since I last experience Love? Haha…he was my First…but wasn’t the last…

I won’t give my heart so easily now, after the torturing event of torn between friendship and love during my college years, it was difficult to be really in love again…

If I look back at my Love life, it was kinda sad really…

Strings of foolish love,
Affairs,
Secret love,
Crush,

Well, it wasn’t sad but…kinda of short period of burning passion, and then easily fades off,

I do hope I’d find love eventually or love eventually finds me…just wait and see…

Because for me,

The greatest thing in life…is to love and to be loved in return…
What more can I ask for?

Aren’t we deserved to be loved?

Cilla

How Well Do You Know Me?

Regular FB users often create and answers this trivia question abt their friends…no exception for me too…

In real world, it takes time to really know someone very well…

Though you know certain ppl that well too, it doesn’t give us the right to judge their wrongdoings or their act of stupidity…

Who are we to say and judge ppl? If we look and evaluate ourselves, are we perfect? If one can confidently say it on my face that they are, I would give them standing ovation and would bow to them…

Funny thing is, indirectly, we defend ourselves that we are living in imperfection, but deliberately, we hastily talks, gossips, creating foul plays, being hypocrite and judge a weaker person as if we are living in perfect and truthful life…but as a matter of fact, aren’t we all experience the same feeling?

We dig deep to find stories and weaknesses of others, judge them, pin-pointing, accusing and making them a victim to the cruelty of behavior, words and cynical jokes for other ppl to see them as a troubled person…

A friend of mine was tagged as a troubled person…
How well do I know her? Very well…and I know what she’s capable of,
But things I can’t stand is when,
Ppl around her start to criticize her, attacks, bullies,
Make up stories and telling lies to her,

How well does these ppl know her? Hmmm...

These ppl should ask themselves,

When difficult person with lots of issues,
Faces all these,
Started to act differently just to counter attack,
It was again an act of stupidity,

Though I have tried to calm things down, stop and solve this issue,
But hopeless when all of them just won’t listen,
And eventually declares war…

War about what you may ask? I...serious shit have no clue at all,


War of the dumb and dumberer…childish and jack ass mental stupidity…
Every each and one of them…!

What was the motive to all this happens actually?
What was the main cause of all things that happen?

What do they get? What benefit?
Cash Money? Rewards? Gift? Tell me...what?!
I basically don’t have any idea…

I’m just a follower,
I have never say anything to make ppl hurt,
Never do anything to make things worst,
I just kept quiet and let things flow smooth and eventually fades,
But it's a big no no...
When the flow grows more rapidly,
I have to be a much stronger person who needs to save the day…


How long can I take this any longer?
Helping ppl to solve issues?

I can't let them continue behaving this way,

But I am just one person,

What about my issues?
What about my problems?

I don't need to publish my problems here,
I don't need to attack anybody here,

I am sharing a story...a story that has been going on for months...
A stupid one though...then,

What's left of my own thing then?
Where does it leads me?

Neglected…

and all of my life I am neglected…

but does anybody aware of this?
That I too suffer inside? Alone?

The big, fat, ugly bitch too is suffering...can't they see?

Though I surround myself with positive ppl whom love and care about me, but do I really feel happy?

So now the question is, do you think you really know me?
When I smile and laugh, was I genuinely happy?

Before you think you know someone, think deeply…do u?


D big, fat ugly bitch

Taking care of Aysha...

Taking care of little Aysha was quite challenging...

I'm not good with babies...I felt so awkard and I dunno wat to do with them...

But having the chance of helping my mum to take care of little Aysha was wonderful...I never knew that I could enjoy it...I know it'll be alot different if I had my own children...

But it was really amazing feeling...naturally me as a women would feel alot more emotional when it comes to kids...

Being a mother is not easy task...but looking at Aysha did somehow moves me...

I do hope one day I'll have kids of my own and having a family...

Wouldn't that be wonderful?




Cilla

Friends Come and Go…

Have you ever felt so attached to a friend that you declared them as ur BFF?
Have you lost friendship that you really rely onto?
How long does a friendship can stay strong?
Or how do you know when friendship end? Will there be any signs of broken friendship?

Generally, I often heard some ppl say friendship is easy… :)
Some ppl say friendship is like Rome…it doesn’t build in a day or two…

For me, friendship build so easily…but if one’s desire to maintain the friendship to be a long lasting ones…then only you need to built it like Rome…

I’m not really a good friend actually…I am a cruel friend…once ppl have attached to me and become my friends…I dun treat them nice…I would always bully them, constantly scold them, and constantly make jokes abt them… that is me…but in d softer side, if u really know me that well, I am a softy at heart…

I loved and cared for my friends and make sure they are alrite and taken care of all the time…it will sound like I self declared this…but to know the truth, ask ppl whom are close to me… then you’ll know…

I appreciate every single friends that I get to know…cos during my high school years...I have lots of group of friends from different religion, culture and races…but as time went by, and growing up times, we often met and trust the wrong ppl, I have distance myself and not easily get friendly to ppl cos I really take care of my feeling to avoid of being hurt…I experienced betrayal of a friend when it comes to love, I once hurt by a friend that I put my trust with to kept my secret but they let it all out in the open…I have friends whom befriended with me just for the sake my money…and not genuinely friend to me…

So now, I will carefully choose my friends and whom I wanted to trust…

And now, with this age, I dun really look forward for any new friends to be close with, just for activities and occasional hang out would be enough just to broaden my social events… and networking with ppl… :)

Well, I have a good friend that always ALWAYS gave me a hard time but at the end of the day, our friendship is mutual…and deep down, after all we have been thru..the era, a decade…we stick by each other… thru thick and thin… :)

I couldn’t describe this friend of mine really…
She’s different, difficult person to begin with, and very very stubborn and only listens to herself…
But…she’s my friend…and I am the only person saw what she have been thru in her life…
People mostly whom barely known her that well, often describe her worst from evil…
That was funny…if only they knew…
Some people when pushed to the edge, they will do extraordinary things that will make them look so stupid, and develop psychotic behavior…
Well who hasn’t?

For sane human, we can just turn ourselves and walk away from this ppl…
But for some, it’s a thrill to make pal’s life miserable…
And to them, it’s like self satisfaction to see ppl suffering…
But why preaching good deeds? And moral behavior?
Isn’t it easy just to stop?
And act like a grown up? This isn’t High School Musical drama ya…

It’s really funny though…the beat goes on and on and on and on…
Till when? Till somebody died is it? Died inside?

Enough is enough…
If they want to continue…by all means…carry on…

I have been a watcher & witness for all the drama…
I think I will end this…put a closure to this…

This page is dedicated to you…my friend…though u have done lots of crazy things lately…

It won’t stop me for standing beside you and help you to get your sanity back and face up the real world…

No true friends abandoned their friends in times of trouble...
I promise that things will get better…

I’ll always pray for your happiness and for your real personality to shine again…

Your best friend & sister,

Cilla


Written originally on 2 August 2009

BodyJam Class @ Fitness First Maxis & Burning Obsession

BJ as we normally call it… (it sounded dirty for some ppl hehe...) was the first GX class that I join…

I first started join BJ class around March 2008, joining some of my colleagues whom were regular goers for the class…it was like love at first sight cos I know deep in my heart I always love to learn how to dance…my body shape did not make me look good in dancing but bcos I really enjoy doing BJ class, I remain as a loyal BJ goers esp on Wednesday & Friday Class (cos it suits my time…7.40pm)…Some more, I started to join Body Step which challenge my leg strength and shaping up my buttocks and thighs…it was all good…But it was BJ that captured my heart really…

My obsession for BJ start to grow rapidly quite recently about 3-4 mths back…I dunno why… it’s just bcos it is… :) can’t explain it really…

But I think it was practically bcos my ‘spirit’ was somehow uplifted (power ayat! ) by a friend…I’ve just started to know this friend of mine in a short period of time, but somehow I felt comfortable in talking to her abt my problems…mainly to my health, my workouts and how I can stay focus and how to vary my workouts…she gave me guidance basically from her own experiences and she also have the same problem like me too, last time, but her determination and her passion to achieve what she have now was something I absolutely admire abt her…that type of determination and passion is not something u can achieve easily…it is something u were born with…it was not easy to have and to achieve what she have now…high stamina, high energy and feel good abt ur own body…I am a type of person that easily gave up to anything I do…but her constant care and she always ask on my updates, somehow ‘push’ my even further and even better, when she have her own target too, she became “my competitor” in a good way though…but she is now way ahead of me…but I know I won’t give up and I won’t give in… :)

I hope that in a way it motivates me to achieve more and more and more…

And for that new unexpected friendship that grows…I hope it keep on growing in my garden…



Desired to be hot,

Cilla



Written originally on 2 August 2009

Challenging Task, Works and New Project Leading

I am aiming high for my work…I really hope that what I wished for will come true this year eventually…waited for 2 yrs for this…and they keep on promising me every year…I am not looking forward to wait any longer…it is whether this year or ship out…J

My work have evolve more and more challenging each day…with certain projects that I must lead on, need to be pro-excel, and needs to improve my communication…

I am very shy person okay? Very shy…! And it is not easy to break the ice with me…cos I am like that…too shy…but as they said…in order to be in a higher position, I must learn…so I am in a stage of pushing and improving myself to be more opinionated and strong in decision making…

I really want this… and I am gonna prove to them that I can do it…and they won’t regret on their decision…



Aiming high,
Cilla




Written originally on 2 August 2009

What’s The Story Behind Blogging…

The story of my life right now is like living in a rollercoaster ride…well…who hasn’t? Right? We deal with lots of issues in our daily life, work, family, friends, lovers, finance, future and lots more…but if I list down all of my life experiences, can I be a better person? Will I feel happier in posting something that makes me remember all the shits and craps that happen surrounds me and my loved ones? Will I feel blessed with it?

Should I post everything I feel in this blog? Should I share my thoughts or feelings of happiness and sadness in here? Well basically, to be honest, I dun understand the principle of blogging actually…

Some ppl just had one for the sake of posting something just to attack ppl intentionally or not, in their defense, it’s just an outlet to express their opinion;

Some ppl blog just to make a chaos to other ppl’s life that’s already complicated and attacking or quoting ppl’s word just to make things even worst and not for making whole life richer for the better;

Some ppl blog just to express their unhappiness and problems, in return, hoping that it would remind them abt how life in this world is complicated and they can look back and learn from their past mistakes and memories that will help them to be a better person in their life endeavors…

Blogging for me, is a place where you may share some of your thoughts, life experiences, and your expression in life and not to become a battlefield in making stand to who’s right or wrong in any issue...cause when this happens...what will become of us? What’s left for us? Hatred? Envy? Guilt? Enemy? War? Killing? Will it become better? Are we truly moving on with our life?

Why it is so difficult just to accept things already gone sour and bad, there’s nothing we can do but just accept it as God’s blessings in disguise…? We can’t hide our anger, we can’t hide our true feeling of hatred but why do we have to make things worst?

Sometimes we have to bow down to some ppl whom just can’t accept things that we had said and done…and let them win…At the end of the day, you will feel much more relieve with no continuation of the never-ending drama…

When things are not meant to be, it’s just is…

Actions speak louder than voice…does blogging speaks louder than our actions then?

It saddens me when ppl misused blog and it ruins the purpose of blogging…

As for me, my blog will be my view in life, my experiences with my loved ones, and my thoughts about things that surrounds and evolves around me…
I wouldn’t care less about things ppl may say about my note here…in fact, I would be much happier if anyone would love to share their stories with me…bad or good...

Just me,
Cilla

Written originally on 1 August 2009

Joining Fitness First Axis

I am fat…I will not deny that…one look of me then you’ll know it already…

I was diagnosed with Pneumonia in 2007 and was hospitalized…Back then I was weighing a whopping 93 kg! I had a terrible chest pain and my upper left shoulder hurt very bad…that time my mind was thinking that I might have a minor heart attack (krazey but true)…but luckily, it was only pneumonia but I was constantly back and forth to Assunta Hospital for check up for almost 6 mths…

After a while, I decided to join gym, Fitness First was my first choice cos it was closer to my home in PJ, I was introduced to Vijay and Khudairi (PT) at that time…

Making long grandma story short, I lost almost approx. 10 kg now after 2 years (haha..!) It took that long cos I did stop gym for a while due to my skin problem, cos all the heatiness and body sweats makes my skin esp my face have develop almost severe pimples and I have gone to specialist to reduce the ‘attacks of the pimples’…!

I’ve been on and off to gym to control my pimple attack and it was an excuse for me for not going to gym that often…but I still do cardio, weight and lunges and sit ups to maintain my improved stamina…but it wasn’t enough…I become bored so easily…

Somehow deep inside I wanted to do more…but due to my limitations (skin problem & my plus size probe)…I hold back and just remain doing cardio, weight once in a week…it was really was an average workout for me…that did not improve that much…

But that time everything was okay with no socializing with ppl in the gym and we only concentrating to ourselves, our workout, our personal health goal and our PT sessions with our trainers. It was the best time cos socializing was far from our agenda in joining gym. And somehow, I manage to lose weight and at least shapen up my shapeless body little bit lah…but I was so happy cos my colleagues did saw my improvement…it was a blessing for me though only a little…


Cilla

Written originally on 28 July 2009